Shidduch

1. It is a laudable and proper custom to marry at a relatively early age and not to delay marriage until a later age.1

2. There are various opinions regarding shidduchim, matches: whether G‑d decides who a person’s match will be or whether it is left up to the two individuals’ free choice. However, even according to those who maintain that the shidduch is declared Above, a person may lose his intended if “someone else precedes him through merciful prayer.”2 One should therefore not tarry and marry at a late age, as this may cause him, Heaven forfend, to lose his soul mate.3


With Tznius and Energy

1. One should seek a shidduch in a manner of tznius and modesty in accordance with the path of Torah and fear of Heaven. The shidduch should be sought through a matchmaker or friends, etc.4

2. The quest for a shidduch should be done joyfully and energetically. Our Sages teach us that one should relate to finding his match “as one who searches after an article he has lost,”5 something that is done in a proactive manner — not waiting with folded arms until the lost object will return to him of its own accord, but through an earnest and energetic search.6

3. Lack of initial success in finding a shidduch should not cause the person to lose hope and feel depressed, G‑d forbid. One should endeavor to do so again and again, in perfect faith and trust in G‑d that He will surely assist him in finding his match.7

4. The parents bear a great responsibility in securing a shidduch for their children.8

5. When parents observe that their children are extremely reluctant to marry, they should gently and kindly encourage their children to do so.9

6. The directorate of educational institutions are to assist their students in finding a shidduch.10


Shidduch of a Younger Sibling Before an Older One

1. It is possible for the shidduch of a younger brother to occur prior to the shidduch of his older brother, or the shidduch of a younger sister before her older sister, if the older siblings forgive the younger ones with complete forgiveness. It is advisable that this forgiveness be in writing or that it takes place before two witnesses.11

2. Still, if the younger sibling gets engaged before the older one, it is worthwhile: a) to push off the date of the wedding as much as possible; and b) that the parents set aside a sum of money for the wedding expenses of the elder sibling.12

3. It is proper that a shidduch of a younger sister take place prior to the shidduch of her older brothers, for brothers and sisters have separate age standards for the times of their marriage and they are not dependent on each other.13


Shidduch with a Kohen’s Daughter

1. [An Israelite (i.e., one who is neither a Kohen nor a Levi) may marry the daughter of a Kohen. However, the groom should be proficient in at least one of the small tractates of the Gemara.14 ]


Mediums to Increase G‑d’s Blessings for a Fine Shidduch

1. Torah study, particularly the study of Chassidus.15

2. Giving tzedakah,particularly in sums of eighteen (chai).

3. Checking one’s tefillin and mezuzos.

4. A firm resolution to establish one’s home on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos.

5. To be joyful and fully trust in G‑d that He will provide him with his match and not be depressed or demoralized.

6. Lighting Shabbos and Yom Tov candles.


Discerning That Which Is Crucial And That Which Is Secondary

Marriage is a critical and central event in a person’s life; an event that leaves its impression on the rest of one’s entire life. Therefore:

1. The decision regarding a shidduch should not be made in haste, but after having given the matter due thought and consideration.16

2. An important factor in the decision is one’s positive emotional feelings toward one’s prospective mate. In other words, a rational decision alone that the match is fine and proper does not suffice; there must also be emotional feelings and a sense of being drawn to one’s prospective mate. At the very least, one should expect that these feelings will eventually come about.17

3. Outside factors that are pressuring the individual to agree to the shidduch, e.g., the pain and distress of one’s parents and the like, should not be a factor in any way in deciding on a shidduch. When there are no emotional feelings, and surely if the shidduch does not make rational sense, one should not go through with the shidduch.18

4. Before the final decision to get married, both the young man and young woman are to resolve most firmly to build a Jewish home upon the foundations of Torah and mitzvos.19

5. A shidduch should not be delayed because of financial concerns, such as earning a living, finding housing, etc. Rather one should put one’s full faith and trust in G‑d that He will surely assist him in finding housing, ample sustenance, etc.20


Seeking the Counsel of Parents and Friends

1. Before deciding on a shidduch, one should consult one’s parents, or relatives and knowledgeable friends.21

2. Even when the young man or woman finds him or herself geographically distant from the parents, the parents should assist in any way they can to help find an appropriate shidduch for their child.22

3. It is best that there not be too great an age difference between the young man and woman.23

4. When there are rumors about improper conduct of one of the parties in the distant past, it is important to know that the main emphasis in the decision regarding the shidduch should be the present state of affairs, not the past.24

5. The decision about a shidduch should be based on one’s understanding and emotions. There is no room for any decisions made on the basis of various calculations, gematrios (numerical equivalents) of the names, and the like. Additionally, a shidduch should not be decided through casting lots.25

6. There is no reason to worry about marrying one’s distant relatives; even cousins can marry each other.26

7. A shidduch between those with different communal backgrounds, such as Sephardim and Ashkenazim, is not an impediment to the shidduch.27

8. When the groom and his prospective father-in-law, or the bride and her prospective mother-in-law share the same name, an additional name is added to one of them. This name should be added before the shidduch is publicized.28


Mazel Tov

1. It is a chassidic custom that after the young man and woman agree to marry, they ask their Rebbe for his blessing and consent to the match. Alternately, a note is placed on the tziyon (the gravesite) of the Rebbe, asking for a blessing.29

2. After receiving their Rebbe’s blessing and consent, or after placing the note on the tziyon, the matter is truly finalized and is then publicized, and mazel tov wishes are offered.

3. It is improper to use the expression “betrothed” for the engaged couple, for the term “betrothed” (eirusin) applies only after the wedding. Prior to the wedding, the couple is only referred to as “engaged,” or “engaged to be married.”


Celebrating the Engagement — The Vort

1. There is much source material — mentioned in the following paragraphs — detailing the scheduling of weddings. Among these are times when weddings are halachically prohibited and times when it is merely customary that they not be celebrated. However, in later years, the Rebbe continually urged that for understandable reasons, there be as short a delay as possible between the time of engagement and the time of the wedding. The Rebbe therefore maintained that whenever halachically permissible, weddings could be held during such times that previously were avoided. Examples are allowing weddings — of course when halachically permissible — during all months of the year and during all days of the month. In all cases of doubt, a competent Rav should be consulted.

2. After the final decision has been made to get married, the two families get together, along with friends and relatives, and a chassidic farbrengen is conducted.

3. Currently, the prevailing custom among Anash is to celebrate the engagement of chassan and kallah with a celebration known as a Vort — “giving one’s word” — or a LeChayim. No tena’im or “conditions” are committed to writing.30 In the course of this celebration, non-written assurances are received — primarily in the form of a kabbalas kinyan —from the parties, in which they pledge to go through with the marriage.

The more formal written agreement regarding the marriage and the conditions attached thereto — known as the tena’im, or “conditions” — are formalized on the day of the wedding itself.

Quite often, the Rebbe would issue the following blessing in honor of the Vort: “May it be in a good and auspicious hour. Mazel Tov. Azkir al haTziyun.”

4. During the Vort, an earthenware plate is broken, [generally by the mothers of chassan and kallah,]31 and a chassidic farbrengen is conducted.

5. The Rebbe very much favored that the Vort be celebrated in a modest and non-ostentatious manner.32

6. The Rebbe would urge that the Vort be celebrated with the recitation of a maamar, a chassidic discourse, preferably by the chassan himself, and if not, by others.33

7. As mentioned above, the engagement party should be termed a Vort or tena’im, and should not be termed eirusin, “betrothal.” For the Vort applies only to their verbal acceptance to get married (whereas tena’im consist of a written acceptance to marry and additional agreements about material matters). Until the wedding itself, there is no aspect of eirusin or kiddushin.


Time and Place of the Wedding

1. It is fitting to shorten the time between the conclusion of the shidduch and the appointed date of the wedding, setting the wedding date as early as possible.34

2. The following is a list of dates during which it is fitting to set a date for the wedding, among them days of special mazal and blessing:

The month of Tishrei — during the first half.35

The month of MarCheshvan — it is not customary to make weddings during this month.36

The month of Kislev — the entire month is propitious for making weddings.37

The month of Teves — it is not customary to make weddings during this month.38

The month of Shvat — weddings are made during the first half of the month. Regarding the second half, if there is a significant reason for performing the wedding at that time, three Rabbonim should decide about the appropriateness of the time, and the wedding should take place in a good and auspicious hour.39

The months of Adar 1 and II — during the entire month.40

The month of Nissan — until Pesach.41

The month of Iyar — weddings do not take place during the entire month due to the Counting of the Omer. This includes Lag BaOmer as well. However, when there is a significant reason for making the wedding on Lag BaOmer, the wedding should take place during the day of Lag BaOmer and not on the previous night.42

The month of Sivan — from the day after Shavuos till the middle of the month.

The month of Tammuz — from the beginning of the month until the days of Bein HaMetzarim (which begins on the 17th of Tammuz).43

The month of Menachem Av — from the 11th until the 15th day of the month. (However, it is better for the wedding to take place during the beginning days of Tammuz than during these days.)44

The month of Elul — the entire month is propitious for making weddings.45

3. Although it is best to make the wedding on a day when the kallah is ritually pure, when this is difficult, the chuppah and wedding can take place while she is in a state of ritual impurity. It is known that our holy Rebbeimwere not stringent in this matter, permitting the wedding even though the kallah was in a state of niddah.46

4. It is the Jewish custom for the wedding to take place in the city where the parents of the kallah reside, or in the location of her parents’ choosing.47

5. It is self-understood that all matters relating to the wedding should be discussed pleasantly and be fully agreed upon by both sides.48

6. Anash scrupulously observe the custom that the text of the wedding invitation follow the form of the invitation that the Rebbe Rayatz issued for the Rebbe’s wedding, as this text contains many allusions and secret matters.49

7. The invitations should not be printed in ksav Ashuri (Assyrian script) with crownlets (tagin).50


Preparing for the Wedding

The time between the conclusion of the shidduch and the wedding is as precious as time can be,51 since the preparations that are then made by the chassan and kallah will affect their entire lives. During that time the chassan and kallah receive special spiritual powers that enable them to build an “eternal edifice.” The time is therefore to be used properly, filling the days with spiritual preparations for the wedding. Among them:

1. To increase one’s Torah study, including additional study of chassidic discourses — particularly discourses that deal with one’s spiritual Divine service.52

2. To increase one’s giving of tzedakah.53

3. In the weeks prior to the wedding, both chassan and kallah should learn the necessary laws — the laws of taharas hamishpachah — with a married study partner. The chassan should learn chapters 15 through 17 of Shaar HaKedushah in Reishis Chochmah.54

4. It is appropriate for the chassan and kallah to minimize — and if possible, to completely avoid — meeting during the days between the conclusion of their shidduch and their wedding. It is also appropriate not to take pictures together during this time.55

5. It is customary to give the chassan and kallah sacred books as gifts. The chassan receives a set of Shas and other sefarim, as well as — according to chassidic custom — sifrei Chassidus. The kallah receives books of Halachah that pertain to properly conducting a Jewish home. A gift of a tzedakah pushke is also customarily given.56

6. Until the actual wedding, the chassan should not give a ring to the kallah as a gift.57

7. It is highly advisable that, as much as possible, the parents be the ones who occupy themselves with the material preparations for the wedding, freeing the chassan and kallah of these matters so that they will be able to occupy themselves with the spiritual preparations for their wedding.58


The Week and the Shabbos Before the Wedding

There are special customs relating to the week of the wedding. Among them:

1. For the sake of shemirah (guarding, protection from an ayin hara,and the like) the chassan as well as the kallah should not be alone, but in the company of others — even while they are in their homes.59

2. During this week, chassan and kallah refrain from meeting; they do not even speak by phone.60

3. The chassan is called to the Reading of the Torah on the Shabbos before the wedding. Since a chassan and kallah maintain the world’s existence because they will bring up children who will engage in Torah study, a chassan is called to read the letters of the Torah which sustain the Ten Creative Utterances [by which G‑d continually brings the world into existence]. (The Torah reader reads on his behalf, as well as on behalf of all who are called up, as not all who are called up to the Torah are able to read themselves.)61

4. It is customary that the chassan dons a borrowed tallis when he is called to the Torah. The tallis covers his shoulders but not his head, upon which he wears a hat.62

5. The chassan is pelted with sweets after the aliyah as a good sign, a siman tov.63

6. After the Shabbos morning prayers, it is customary to make a farbrengen with LeChayims, words of Torah and Chassidus.


Shabbos Kallah

It is customary that on the Shabbos preceding the wedding, the friends and relatives of the kallah assemble at the kallah’s home and celebrate with a festive gathering.