Married Life

1. Following one’s marriage, it is appropriate to take up residence in a location that provides a Jewish and chassidic atmosphere among G‑d-fearing Jews.1

2. There is particular import for the married couple to reside for the first three months in proximity to their parents.2

3. It is advisable to live in a city where the housing costs are low (understandably, while living among G‑d-fearing Jews).3

4. In general, when there is a question regarding one’s residence, the wife’s opinion holds a lot of weight. If she does not desire to reside in a particular location, her wishes should be followed.4

5. During the first year of marriage, it is inadvisable for the husband to travel out of town for an extended period of time.5

6. The first Torah commandment is to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.”6 It is a mitzvah to bear children “as long as he has the strength [to do so].”7 One should therefore not engage, G‑d forbid, in “family planning.” To the contrary, one should have complete trust in G‑d that he will succeed in obtaining employment that will provide a more than ample livelihood and succeed in educating his children on the true and good path.8


A Sheitel (Wig)

1. The Rebbe stressed on many occasions that a married woman should cover her hair specifically with a sheitel and not with a hat or kerchief.9


Torah Study

1. It is appropriate that — at least for the first year after marriage — the husband study in a kollel so that the commencement of this new phase in one’s life be connected with our holy Torah. One should study assiduously, with fervor and vitality.10

2. Concerning what should be studied: Precedence should be given to study on a daily basis those laws that pertain to daily life, such as in Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chayim and the like.

3. Even after one concludes his kollel,he should be meticulous about establishing daily set times for Torah study.

4. It is advisable for husband and wife to establish set times for studying Torah together.11


Daily Study of Chitas and Rambam

1. The following daily study cycles of Chitas apply equally to all, in addition to the study periods that each individual undertakes according to his ability. [The acronym חת׳׳ת (cf. Bereishis 35:5) is made up of the initials of the words תניא,תהלים , חומש.]

2. a) Chumash with the commentary of Rashi: Every day, one studies one passage of the current week’s Sidra,[i.e., the Sidra that will be read publicly on the forthcoming Shabbos,]with the commentary of Rashi. Thus, on the first day of the week, one reaches sheini; on the second, one reaches shlishi, and so on.

b) Tehillim: Every day, after the morning prayers, one recites chapters of Tehillim as apportioned for the days of the month.

c) Tanya: The daily passages should be studied as set out in the annual study guide entitled Moreh Shiur.12

3. The Rebbe instituted the daily study of one or three chapters of Rambam. Children and women should study the daily law(s) in Rambam’s Sefer HaMitzvos.


Shalom Bayis — Peace and Harmony in the Home

1. Our Sages were effusive in their praise of shalom bayis between husband and wife,13 saying that although no two people are alike, shalom bayis is not only possible, it is also imperative.14

2. Every individual receives Divine assistance to overcome differences of opinion and live in peace and harmony. One must place his trust in G‑d, that just as He conducts the world as a whole, so, too, will He assist the individual in conducting his home in a spirit of “love, friendship, peace and harmony.”15

3. It is entirely normal that there are problems of shalom bayis in the early days of many marriages until the newly married couple gets used to and comfortable with each other. These problems then diminish until they completely cease to exist.16

4. Shalom bayis is achieved by focusing on and strengthening the points that husband and wife have in common and ignoring and not making an issue out of those matters in which they differ.

5. Respecting and honoring each other and speaking to each other gently and in friendship are fundamental tenets for achieving shalom bayis.

6. It is vitally important to be able to forego, and acquiesce in, matters that one can do without, and not be overly headstrong and implacable.17

7. It is important for both husband and wife to realize that until the arrival of Mashiach, there exists no individual who can possibly be perfect — devoid of all flaws. Just as a person does not want his flaws to be recognized and pointed out, so too should he not dwell on or point out the flaws of his spouse.18

8. By and large, strife and arguments leading to a lack of shalom bayis requirethe active participation of both parties. Thus, when one of the parties realizes that the other party is not taking the conflict to heart — neither being emotionally pulled in nor taking part in the arguments — then little by little, the fierce emotions and the desire for an argument and fight will ebb and ultimately completely fade away.19


Husband and Wife

1. Women are more gentle and sensitive by nature and “her tears flow relatively easily.”20 It is therefore advisable that the husband acquiesce and be placating and conciliatory. The husband must always remember the words of our Sages,21 “He loves his wife as himself and honors her even more than himself.”22

2. The wife, too, must assure that shalom bayis reigns, for the conduct of a home in general, and particularly the relationship between husband and wife, depends to a greater and larger extent on the wife than on the husband. This is particularly so when the husband’s work is very stressful. The wife’s obligation is even greater to see to it that husband and wife enjoy the utmost sense of peace and serenity.23


Seeking the Counsel of Others

1. When there are problems of shalom bayis, it is worthwhile for the couple to turn to a good friend or a Rav to mediate between them and help them reach a solution or a compromise.24

2. It is, however, critically important to note: It is strictly forbidden for relatives — even very close relatives — to intervene on their own, when there is discord and problems of shalom bayis. In the majority of instances, their intervention will not help at all in achieving shalom bayis — it may even make matters worse as they may not be objective but tend to favor one side over the other.25

3. If the couple discovers that their shalom bayis issues are a result of the slanderous gossip of their neighbors, they should — if at all possible — move to another location.26


Segulos for Shalom Bayis

1. Problems in shalom bayis may often be the result of not adhering meticulously to the rules of family purity. Teshuvah and meticulous adherence in the future will help to restore shalom bayis. It is worthwhile studying the specific and precise laws with a Rav who rules on these matters.27

2. Achieving peace and harmony between body and soul, which is accomplished through Torah study and the performance of mitzvos, assists in achieving shalom bayis.28

3. Checking one’s tefillin and mezuzos to assure that they are kosher.29

4. Tzedakah should be given by the husband prior to prayer, at least on Mondays and Thursdays. The wife should give tzedakah prior to candle lighting on the eve of every Shabbos and Yom Tov. It is advisable that her charity be given to the tzedakah of Rabbi Meir Baal HaNes.30

5. Husband and wife should verify whether their shidduch with each other did not wound the pride of any Jewish young man or woman (that is to say, that either of them were engaged to someone else and then broke the engagement). If it did, that party should be asked for forgiveness.31