Chapter 9: The Wedding Meal

208. A wedding meal is prepared and this is a Seudas Mitzvah. Today it is customary that all the guests wash and sit down to eat and then the chosson and kallah enter amidst much dancing and music. The chosson sits at the top table and makes Hamotzi on a special large challah.

209. At the wedding meal there should be a proper Mechitzah dividing between the men and the women. 1

210. The band should play niggunei Chabad.2 It is customary to lift the chosson and kallah (either on a chair or a table) during the dancing.3

211. ATzedakah box should be placed on the tables at which the chosson and kallah are sitting.4

212. One should make a point of inviting poor people to come and eat at the wedding — and they too should be given the best food.5

213. At his daughter’s wedding, the Previous Rebbe himself went from table to table (with a napkin on his shoulder like a waiter) and he poured out a Lechaim to each person and gave them his blessings.6

214. The mitzvah is to rejoice with the chosson and kallah — and this should be done through the dancing, and the saying of Divrei Torah andchassidus and praise of the chosson and kallah and their families.7

215. The custom is to give gifts to the chosson and kallah.8

216. It is not our custom for the chosson or any other relatives to do a mitzvah Tantz with the kallah.9

217. At the end of the meal the kallah is brought nearer to the table where the Sheva Berachos are being recited, so she may hear the Sheva Berachos.10 Two cups are filled with wine. The person honored with benching uses the first cup and says the special Zimun which includes the words “Shehasimchah Bimono.” When he has finished benching (but before saying Borei Pri Hagofen), the second cup is used to pass around those honored with saying the Sheva Berachos. After the last berachoh, the person who benched then says the berachoh Borei Pri Hagofen on the wine and drinks some.11 He then pours some of the wine from the second cup (over which the Sheva Berachos has been said) into the first cup and then back and forth pouring between the cups to mix the wine. One cup is then passed to the chosson to drink from and the other one is passed to the kallah.

218. A person who needs to leave the hall early and can’t wait for the Sheva Berachos may bench with a mezuman at their own table and do not need to recite the Sheva Berachos separately.12 Needless to say that it is preferable that the guests remain for the Sheva Berachos. Much can be done by the hosts in order to facilitate benching to be held at a time that is reasonable for most of the guests.

219. The chosson and kallah are escorted home. See footnote as regards to their conduct in the case of a chuppas niddah.13

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Chapter 8: Yichud — Seclusion

Chapter 10: The Seven Days of Sheva Berachos

Footnotes

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 9 p. 1, Shaarei Halachah Uminhag Vol. 4 p. 127. See also Likkutei Sichos Vol. 14 p. 305 and Igros Kodesh Vol. 11 p. 368 regarding mixed dancing. See also Igros Kodesh Vol. 23 p. 64 regarding the prohibition of a woman singing at the wedding.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 3 p. 242.

See Likkutei Torah Shir Hashirim 48:4.

Shaarei Halachah Uminhag Even HoEzer p. 125.

SeeSicha of 15th Tamuz 5736, Hisvaaduyos 5751 Vol. 4 p. 225, Shaarei Nissuin p. 308.

Yemei Melech p. 274. See also Sefer HaToldos of the Previous Rebbe Vol. 2 p. 100 that this was also done by the Rebbe Rashab.

See Sefer HaMaamarim 5657 p. 279 that this joy should permeate the physical body so much that the body itself becomes excited and is consumed in the simchah and therefore is not bothered if someone laughs or makes fun of him.

On one occasion, the Rebbe (before the Nesius) participated in a family wedding. At the beginning of the meal he called over a student and said: “Ask the bochurim and young men if they came here just to eat a seudas mitzvah or also to fulfill the mitzvah of simchas chosson and kallah because time is passing and there has not yet been one dance.” The student gave over the message and they immediately started dancing with great joy — heard from Rabbi Y.L. Groner.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 7 p. 119, Vol. 14 p. 444, Vol. 18 p. 453, Likkutei Torah Shir Hashirim 29b. As regards the question of whether the chosson and kallah need to give maaser from their gifts — see Igros Kodesh Rayatz Vol. 14 p. 312 and Hanissuin Kehilchosom 13:50. See also Tzedakah Umishpat 5:4.

The very first thing the Alter Rebbe did by his wedding was to take the Nadden (dowry) and distribute it to poor families — see Sefer HaToldos Alter Rebbe p. 82, Sicha of Parshas Shmos 5723.

Shaarei Halachah Uminhag Vol. 5 p. 268, Likkutei Sichos Vol. 34 p. 291. See Kfar Chabad 314 p. 23.

10.

See Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 100:4.

11.

A Melo Lugmav (cheek full) — see Alter Rebbe’s Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim 190:2.

12.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 14 p. 215.

13.

In the case of a chuppas niddah, the chosson and kallah are forbidden to be alone together in the same room or apartment until the kallah goes to the mikvah and is permissible to her husband. The custom is to arrange for a boy between six and nine years old to stay with the chosson and similarly, for a girl from the age six and nine to stay with the kallah. This applies during the night. During the daytime, either one of these child shomrim is enough. If a boy and girl are not available, one may take either two boys or two girls, and if children are not available one may take two adults — Nitei Gavriel Yichud 8:4,5. Taharah Kehalachah 9:21:32 indicates that in difficult circumstances one may rely on a child up until age 12 to be an effective shomer. Alternatively, the chosson and kallah should stay at one of their parents or married friend’s homes and sleep in different rooms. If they have to sleep in the same room, the door to the room should be left wide open — Nitei Gavriel Yichud 8:10. It should be noted that Taharah Kehalachah 9:21 states that the best arrangement is for the chosson and kallah to stay at their parents’ or another married couple’s home in different rooms. He emphasizes that there is no room for embarrassment regarding such an arrangement, and that practically speaking, it is by far the best alternative.

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Mazal Tov »

By Nissan Dovid Dubov

At the moment a new engagement is announced, family and friends unite in wishing the engaged couple Mazal Tov, and plans for the wedding are under way. This guide will help you prepare for this momentous occasion, and follows the directives of the Rebbeim of Chabad.

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