Chapter 4: The Period Between the Engagement and the Wedding

85. The time period between the engagement and the wedding is most precious — “Yokor Mikol Yokor”, as the preparations made at this time can affect one’s entire life.1

86. These preparations should primarily be of a spiritual nature with an increase in the diligence in Torah study,2 especially chitas,3 chassidus,4 tefillah,5 tzedakah,6 and additional hiddur in the performance of mitzvos.7 It is also a time for introspection andTeshuvah and correction of any past misdeeds.8

87. The Rebbe’s opinion is that the shorter the period between the engagement and the wedding, the better.9

88. As regards fixing the date for the wedding, this is a matter that should be decided between the parents of both sides.10

89. When the chosson and kallah meet between the engagement and the wedding, they need to be most strict in all matters of Tznius and aware of the issues of Yichud.11 Inappropriate conduct or closeness before the wedding can lead to emotional distance after the wedding.12

90. As regards the frequency of their meeting — the Rebbe’s opinion was that the less they meet the better, and they should not meet or speak on the telephone more than once a week.13

91. The Rebbe was not in favor of taking a flight to a different country to meet between the engagement and the wedding.14

92. Before the wedding it is customary that the kallah or her family gives a Shas to the chosson, and the custom of Chassidim is that she should also buy him chassidisher seforim. The purpose of these seforim is not that they sit on the shelf and gather dust, but as it states in Pirkei Avos (5:21), “Go over it and over it, for everything is inside it,” meaning that he should learn so much from the seforim that in the course of time it will be necessary to replace them with new ones.15 It is also correct that since in a new home there should be acts of tzedakah, a Tzedakah pushka/box should be acquired.16

93. The custom used to be to give the kallah a gift of a Siddur Korban Minchah which is a Siddur with the Yiddish translation of the prayers and a collection of halachos pertinent to women. Today however, when women are more familiar with the translation of the prayers it is appropriate that the chosson should give the kallah works of halachah which explain in a clear way the halachos of running a household.17 The custom is that the chosson or his family buys the kallah a set of Shabbos candlesticks, and the kallah or her family purchases a Tallis for the chosson.18

94. Thechosson and kallah should, as much as possible, not be involved in the details of the wedding, such as the venue, caterer, pictures, flowers etc. Rather, they should primarily focus on the spiritual preparations for the day, and the arrangements for the wedding should be left to others. 19

95. Even the parents of the chosson and kallah who have the responsibility to arrange the wedding should bear in mind that; a) the preparations should not only be in those areas that lehavdil non-Jews also prepare, but also, and primarily in the Jewish aspect of the wedding (in the veniflinu), and b) even in the material preparations they should be done without “hiddurim”, and without investing emotional energy in these preliminaries (kalterheit), which will ultimately be better for them and better for the participants.20

96. Hafotzas Hayahadus and Mayonos are certainly good preparations for the wedding.21

97. During this period, both the chosson and kallah need to learn all the halachos pertinent to a wedding and establishment of a true Jewish home, especially the laws of Taharas Hamishpochoh. This involves not only learning halachah but also hashkafah from qualified teachers of Anash in this area.22

98. The kallah should during this time purchase a shaitel to be worn immediately after the wedding. It is well known the Rebbe’s opinion that wearing a shaitel to cover the hair is preferable to wearing a tichel or hat.23

99. In the days before the wedding the chosson should learn from the sefer Reishis Chochmah, Shaar Hakedushah Ch. 15, 16, 17 which speak of Kedushas Achilah and Kedushas Hazivug.24 The chosson should also learn at least one chapter of Tanya by heart.25 The Rebbe also instructed one chosson to study the directives and customs of a wedding that the Rebbe’s father Rabbi Levi Yitzchok Schneerson wrote to the Rebbe on the occasion of his wedding.26 To another chosson the Rebbe instructed that he should read from the sefer Sippurim Noraim as those stories increase one’s Yiras Shomayim and a chosson needs to enhance his Yiras Shomayim.27

100. Upon marriage, and even whilst engaged, one takes upon oneself the responsibility for another Jewish soul,28 and therefore one needs to make sure that one’s conduct is one which is “wet to the touch” meaning that one is so imbued with Yiras Shomayim, Torah and mitzvos that this will have an immediate effect on another.29

Breaking an Engagement

101. On occasion, certain issues arise after an engagement, that bring the whole question of the proposed marriage into question. Sometimes very serious issues surface that had the parties been aware of beforehand they would not have agreed to get married,30 and sometimes, minor issues become abrasive. What is paramount is to maintain at all times one’s dignity, honor and respect for all parties.31 Advice of Rabbonim and Mashpiim should be sought and if for whatever reason a decision be made to break the engagement, then it must be done in a way that nobody’s honor is compromised unnecessarily. When one of the parties is offended by the break, one should ask for forgiveness from the other party.32 A Rav should be consulted for guidance regarding any financial issues.

102. A shidduch should not be broken, nor a wedding delayed, because of a disagreement over financial issues.33

Fixing the Date of the Wedding

103. The custom is that it is the mechutanim from both sides to agree on the date and time for the wedding.34 Wherever possible one should ensure that the kallah is tehorah on the day of the wedding and that it not be a chuppas niddah.35 This should be taken into account when planning the date for the wedding.

104. It is the Rebbe’s opinion that the shorter the time between the engagement and the wedding, the better.36

105. There is much source material — as documented in the footnote37 — detailing when one may or may not schedule a wedding. There are times that are halachically prohibited and there are times that it is customary that we don’t make weddings. However, in our times when postponing the date of a wedding may lead to impropriety and challenges ofTznius it is questionable whether these customary limitations should still apply or they be waived, and there may be good reason to say that they should be waived. Indeed it is becoming increasingly the widespread practice today amongst Anash, for the date of the wedding to be fixed for the earliest convenient halachically permissible date. In all cases of doubt a Rav should be consulted.38

106. Once the date for a wedding has been fixed, the custom is that it is not postponed (and certainly if there is no valid reason to do so).39

107. If for whatever reason both mechutanim agreed to postpone the date of a wedding, then on the day that was originally fixed as the wedding day, they should write Tenaim (in addition to the fact that they had already made a Vort) and the parents from both sides should get together and discuss matters pertaining to the forthcoming wedding. This meeting should be in the form of a simchah gathering with a Seudas Mitzvah, such as a Siyum Masechta or a Melave Malka, and they should farbreng — with simchah.40

108. A wedding date should not be postponed due to financial considerations.41

109. There are halachos in Shulchan Aruch regarding a case r”l of Aveilus before a wedding and whether or not the wedding may be celebrated as originally scheduled. In such a case one must obviously follow the ruling of a Rav. However, in a case where the wedding is halachically permissible then it is incorrect to postpone the date of a wedding due to an Aveilus r”l in the family.42

110. It is permitted to make two weddings for two children in one week, however not on the same day.43

The Place of the Wedding

111. The mechutanim should decide between themselves, where and when the wedding should take place, and the custom (in the majority of cases) is that the wedding is held in the place of the kallah i.e. where the kallah’s parents want the wedding to be held.44

Wedding Expenses

112. The Rambam writes45 that one should not go to extremes but rather one should follow the golden middle path. This was also the chosen path of the Rebbeim of Chabad and of Anash in relation to the financial investment for wedding celebrations.46 Therefore when making a wedding, one should follow the average custom of the place. The emphasis is to make a large spiritual wedding and not to waste money (that could be better spent on other things) on over-lavish material matters.47 It is incorrect to enter into debt just to increase the number of invitees.48

113. It is a mitzvah for both mechutonim to participate in paying for the wedding as arranged and agreed between them.49

114. As regards to relatives and friends, participating in a wedding in which they would incur great travel expense, a mashpia/Rav should be consulted. A Talmid in Yeshivah must receive prior agreement of the Hanhalah to attend the wedding.50

Tznius between Chosson and Kallah Before the Wedding

115. A chosson and kallah must conduct themselves with the utmost Tznius. Although they are already engaged to be married, and are looking forward with great anticipation to their marriage, nevertheless they must ensure that all guidelines of Shulchan Aruch and Tznius are kept.51 This includes all the halachos of Yichud and Negiah (physical contact). Great care must be taken when choosing a venue to visit — it must be a place that is not secluded so that there be no question of Yichud. Furthermore, it is incorrect for a chosson and kallah to discuss matters related to marital intimacy before the wedding.

116. They should not travel on a plane together.52

117. The Rebbe was not in favor of a chosson and kallah making an international trip to see each other during the engagement period.53

118. The Rebbe’s opinion was that a chosson and kallah should not meet each other or speak on the telephone more than once a week.54

119. The Rebbe was not in favor of taking a picture of the chosson and kallah together.55

Wedding Invitations

120. There is a standard text that we use for invitations — this text was used at weddings of the Rebbeim.56 In this text it is written that the chuppah was to take place at 5:00 p.m., whether the wedding was in the winter or summer and whether in fact the chuppah was at that time or later. In practice today, we still write the time of 5:00 p.m. for the chuppah and in a footnote write the real anticipated time for the chuppah. However, the Kabbolas Ponim should, if possible, start at 5:00 p.m.57

121. The invitations should not be written in Sefer Torah writing (Ksav Ashuris).58

The Wedding Ring

122. Thechosson has to buy a ring for the kallah with which he is going to marry her under the chuppah. The ring should be purchased with his own money and should be worth at least a perutah (the value of a small coin).59

123. The custom is that the ring be a plain (yellow)60 gold band61 (without any markings or assay mark), round both inside and outside without any gems.62

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Chapter 3: The Vort

Chapter 5: The Oifruf

Footnotes

Igros Kodesh Vol. 14 p. 82. In Igros Kodesh Vol. 16 p. 40, the Rebbe draws further the analogy to a building. Just like when building, many preparations are made concerning its planning, architecture, materials etc, so too when planning an everlasting edifice of marriage, plans — spiritual plans — need to be made to ensure its durability.

Furthermore, many people spend a huge amount of time planning all the details of the chuppah etc. In Igros Kodesh Vol. 7 p. 315, the Rebbe points out that if so much preparation is invested in that one day of the wedding, and primarily it is to impress people, then how much more so should preparations be made that will affect the young couple and the entire duration of their marriage.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 5 p. 53 as regards not cancelling a fixed Torah session to make preparations for the wedding, and even if necessary preparations be made then, the time designated for Torah study may be shortened but not cancelled. See also Igros Kodesh Vol. 17 p. 98.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 17 p. 98.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 19 p. 295. In Igros Kodesh Vol. 24 p. 317, the Rebbe instructed the chosson to learn maamarei avodah.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 14 p. 82.

One of the preparations for a wedding is generously donating to tzedakah, because the mitzvah of tzedakah is the foundation for many good things, for all the blessings of Hashem, and especially for the blessings for a chosson and kallah — Hisvaaduyos 5751 Vol. 2 p. 53. Furthermore the chosson and kallah should make good decisions to give a large sum of money to Tzedakah on the wedding day, and this decision itself helps to have success in all the wedding preparations — Yechidus to chassanim and kallos 10th Sivan 5742, 13th Shvat 5744 (Hisvaaduyos 5744 Vol. 2 p. 899), 24th Nissan 5747 (Hisvaaduyos 5747 Vol. 3 p. 169), 15th Tamuz 5749 (Hisvaaduyos 5749 Vol. 4 p. 33).

Igros Kodesh Vol. 14 p. 80.

There was a story of a chosson who went into Yechidus and the Rebbe inquired of him as to whether he had already made preparations for the wedding. The chosson answered that he felt that his avodas hatefillah was not as it should be and he was also not engrossed enough in his studies. The Rebbe replied by asking him whether he had arranged an apartment where to live, and his intention in asking about the preparations for the wedding was about an apartment and not about his spiritual avodah. However, the opposite also happened. One chosson came in for Yechidus and the Rebbe asked whether he had already made preparations for the wedding and the chosson replied that he already has an apartment and furniture, and the Rebbe replied by asking him, “and what’s with Tefillah and learningchassidus?” — Hiskashrus Vol. 70 p. 14.

There is a famous story of the Mitteler Rebbe that when he was presented with a number of suggestions for a shidduch he chose the shidduch that would be completed the fastest, for he had no patience to wait for the maamarim that his father the Alter Rebbe would say at the wedding! — see Sefer HaSichos 5698 p. 256, Toras Menachem Hisvaaduyos Vol. 10 p. 203. And although from today’s chassanim we can’t demand that the reason they get married is just to increase the light of chassidus in the world, however what can be expected from them is not to forget an explicit halachah (see Responsa Maharam Mintz 109) that a chosson is forgiven on his wedding day for all his sins (which includes the sin of chatas neurim which causes golus and prevents the geulah). Therefore, instead of getting wrapped up with all the external arrangements for the wedding such as the flowers and pictures etc., he would do better to make a cheshbon hanefesh and do Teshuvah! — Toras Menachem Vol. 12 p. 152.

Toras Menachem Vol. 12 p. 156. It is also important to learn Iggeres HaTeshuvah of the Alter Rebbe — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 26 p. 87 and Likkutei Sichos Vol. 39 p. 194.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 13 p. 326, Vol. 24 p. 227. This opinion is based on the fact that today, in the society in which we live, an extended period between an engagement and a wedding can create challenges and nisyonos which sometimes place people in a situation in which they can’t withstand the test and will transgress matters of Tznius — see Shaarei Shidduchin p. 202, Igros Kodesh Vol. 13 p. 326.

Furthermore,Chazal say that Moshiach will only come when all the souls that are destined to come down into a body have been drawn down. Therefore each additional wedding is a further step in bringing Moshiach — see Shaarei Halachah Uminhag Even HoEzer p. 99.

In one letter the Rebbe voiced his disapproval of a wedding being delayed until his army service, and her studies in seminary had been completed — Igros Kodesh Vol. 5 p. 283.

In Igros Kodesh Vol. 10 p. 286 the Rebbe writes that lack of parnassah should not be a factor in delaying a wedding.

10.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 19 p. 200, Vol. 26 p. 222.

11.

See The Laws of Yichud, SIE publications.

12.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 9 p. 209. See Igros Kodesh Rayatz Vol. 2 p. 470 where the Previous Rebbe writes that in exchange of letters and conversations between a chosson and kallah, in addition to telling of their feelings and hashkafah on various matters, they should discuss a person’s obligations in prayer, berachos, shmiras hachukim, becoming closer to the good and distancing from the bad, and the stronger should encourage the weaker, and with such wisdom does one build a house.

13.

Taken from a diary of Rabbi Leibel Groner — Shaarei Shidduchin p. 205.

On numerous occasions when both the chosson and kallah were living in the same town, the Rebbe instructed the chosson to travel and learn elsewhere in the period before the wedding so they not be in one town together — see Otzar Hamelech Vol. 2 p. 167.

14.

Shaarei Halachah Uminhag Even HoEzer p. 92.

15.

Shaarei Halachah Uminhag Even HoEzer 49. Yechidus of Rebbe to chassanim and kallos 17th Shvat 5745.

16.

Sicha 14th Kislev 5739. See Sefer HaSichos 5749 p. 2 that one should affix aPushka in the kitchen in such a way that it becomes part of the building and the house therefore becomes a “house of Tzedakah”.

17.

Hisvaaduyos 5748 Vol. 1 p. 172, Sefer HaSichos 5748 p. 191.

18.

Thechosson starts putting on a Tallis the morning after the wedding. The correct procedure of putting on a Tallis is somewhat complicated for the beginner, and one who is unsure should ask someone knowledgeable for a step-by-step guide. It should be noted that it is correct that a man should fold his Tallis by himself (see Reshima of the Rebbe Rayatz Tammuz 5691) and folding the Tallis on motzoei Shabbos is a segulah for sholom bayis — see Taamei HaMinhagim no. 947 fn. 10; Chikrei Minhagim Vol. 1 p. 140.

19.

Toras Menachem Vol. 12 p. 152. And although the chosson will have to go and get measured up for a kapote, nevertheless he should not be immersed in the subject — ibid.

20.

Ibid. See also Toras Menachem Vol. 1 p. 119: “By the Previous Rebbe there was a custom that also the parents of the chosson and kallah would fast on the day of the wedding. And since by the parents there is the concept of fasting, there is also the concept of spiritual preparation. And although one can’t demand from the parents that they should sit the entire time and learn Derech Chaim or Tzena Urena because they, at the end of the day, need to involve themselves with preparations nevertheless....”

In Igros Kodesh Vol. 7 p. 315, the Rebbe writes: “Consider the following: if you are so immersed in the arrangements and expense of the wedding which is a one day event and for which the majority of expense is only to find favor with others, then how much more so should you be busy with spiritual preparations which will have an effect on the young couple for the rest of their lives.”

21.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 15 p. 241. See Likkutei Sichos Vol. 20 p. 575.

22.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 5 p. 129. See also Vol. 17 p. 98.

23.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 19 p. 428, Vol. 15 p. 198, Vol. 9 p. 18. See Likkutei Sichos Vol. 13 p. 188.

The Rebbe said that wearing a shaitel is so important that it affects one’s children and grandchildren, parnassah and health.

24.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 5 p. 129, Vol. 7 p. 362.

25.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 14 p. 84.

26.

Kfar Chabad 787.

27.

The Rebbe related that on the day after his wedding, the Previous Rebbe gave him the sefer Sippurim Noraim (written by Rabbi Kadaner who was achossid of the Mitteler Rebbe) and instructed him to read the book well. The Previous Rebbe related that his father the Rebbe Rashab had also given him the same sefer and told him to learn from it both before and after the wedding, and since during Sheva Berachos it is a busy time and one can’t easily learn with great depth therefore it is appropriate to learn from this sefer. (From a Teshurah.)

28.

And also needs to start preparing for the most important responsibility of parenting, for children are totally dependent on parents — Shaarei Shidduchin p. 209.

29.

Handwritten reply, quoted in Kfar Chabad 896. Furthermore it is a time to prepare for the most important responsibility of educating children — when they are blessed with children, for the responsibility of the children falls entirely on the parents.

30.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 11 p. 183 a case in which the chosson was not told the true age of the kallah.

31.

In numerous places, the Rebbe indicates that often issues arise because there had been a lack of Tznius in the dating. To one chosson, the Rebbe instructed that he check his Tefillin, give Tzedakah before prayer, and say Tehillim after prayer — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 14 p. 21, Vol. 9 p. 209.

32.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 14 p. 69, 340, Vol. 13 p. 8, Shaarei Halachah Uminhag Vol. 4 p. 84.

33.

Igros Kodesh of the Alter Rebbe p. 188.

34.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 19 p. 200, Vol. 22 p. 16. The date and time of the wedding should not be the concern of the chosson and kallah — Igros Kodesh Vol. 26 p. 222.

35.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 9 p. 45. However if it transpires that the chuppah is a chuppas niddah, it is well known that the Rebbeim permitted a chuppas niddah — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 7 p. 88.

36.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 3 p. 326, Likkutei Sichos Vol. 14 p. 303, Vol. 19 p. 511. The reason for this is that in today’s generation, when we are not of such a great spiritual stature, (and the desire for proximity is strong), it is best — for reasons of Yiras Shomayim — to have a short engagement period. See Igros Kodesh Vol. 11 p. 169, Vol. 24 p. 227, Shaarei Halachah Uminhag Vol. 5 p. 266. (This is particularly the case if they are both in the same town — Igros Kodesh Vol. 16 p. 202.) Furthermore the coming of Moshiach is brought closer by drawing down all souls that need to be brought into a body — see Shaarei Halachah Uminhag Even HoEzer p. 99.

In one letter — Igros Kodesh Vol. 5 p. 283 — in whose case the couple wanted to extend the engagement period until after he had finished his army service and she her studies in Beis Yaakov, the Rebbe responded that they should not postpone but rather bring the wedding forward.

The Rebbe also writes that the engagement period should not be protracted because of financial reasons — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 10 p. 286.

37.

We shall present here source material as it follows the calendar months of the year:

Tishrei: “It appears that in the month of Tishrei our custom is to make a wedding only in the first half of the month” — Sefer HaMinhagim p. 76. “The Minhag Yisroel is that we do not make weddings in the Ten days of Repentance,” — Igros Kodesh Vol. 9 p. 205.

Cheshvan: It appears that among Anash we do not make weddings during the month of Cheshvan.” — Igros Kodesh Vol. 17 p. 277.

Kislev: “During the month of Kislev one can arrange a wedding at any time during the month.” — Igros Kodesh Vol. 18 p. 16. “It is correct to make the wedding during the month of Kislev, which is a “month of redemption” and especially so for Anash and Talmidei Hatemimim.” — Igros Kodesh Vol. 21 p. 406. See also Vol. 10 p. 131.

Teves: “Our custom is not to make weddings in the month of Teves” — Igros Kodesh Vol. 18 p. 16. “In response to your letter in which you suggest to make the wedding of your daughter in the second half of the month of Teves; In my opinion, you should fix the date of the wedding in the month of Adar or Nissan, and if in the month of Shvat it should be in the first half of the month. As regards Adar, the entire month is a month of simchah.” — Igros Kodesh Vol. 7 p. 88.

Shvat: “It is well known our custom that we make weddings in the months of Kislev or Adar, and it is unusual to make a wedding in the months of Teves or Shvat.” — Igros Kodesh Vol. 5 p. 52. “If you do fix the wedding in the month of Shvat then it should be in the first half of the month.” — Igros Kodesh Vol. 19 p. 145.

Adar: “During the month of Adar the entire month is auspicious to make a wedding.” — Sefer HaMinhagim p. 76, Igros Kodesh Rayatz Vol. 10 p. 287.

Nissan: “And in the month of Nissan up until Pesach. ” — Igros Kodesh Rayatz Vol. 10 p. 114.

Iyar: “As regards the question of making the wedding on Lag B’Omer, if possible the wedding should be arranged for the day or days after Shavuos, and if for some reason it should be on Lag B’Omer then because of the various opinions in Halachah one should make the wedding on the actual day of Lag B’Omer and not the night before.” — Igros Kodesh Vol. 8 p. 318.

Sivan: “It is understood that one should not make the wedding on Rosh Chodesh Sivan which is in the days of Sefiras HaOmer.” — Igros Kodesh Vol. 9 p. 46.

Tamuz: “With regard to your suggestion of making the wedding in the month of Av, it would be better to make the wedding at the beginning of Tamuz than any day in Av.” — Igros Kodesh Vol. 16 p. 202.

Menachem Av: “...or in Menachem Av from the 11th — 15th of Av, or in the month of Elul (the entire month).” — Igros Kodesh Vol. 24 p. 376.

Elul: “Since Elul is a month of mercy one may make a wedding at any time during the month” — Igros Kodesh Vol. 24 p. 352, Vol. 22 p. 314. “It is a mazaldiker month for weddings” — Igros Kodesh Vol. 6 p. 66, Vol. 20 p. 304. “All the Rebbeim arranged weddings in the month of Elul.” — Mekadesh Yisroel p. 215.

Rosh Chodesh: “It is also permitted to make a wedding on the first day of Rosh Chodesh (but one may not make a wedding on Rosh Chodesh Sivan since it is in the Omer)” — Igros Kodesh Vol. 9 p. 46.

Sunday: “It would be better not to make the wedding on a Sunday. “ — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 6 p. 207, Vol. 17 p. 238, Vol. 18 p. 207.

Friday: “See Shulchan Aruch Even HoEzer 4:3 that it is permitted to marry on a Friday. It may be noted that a number of the Rebbeim’s weddings were on a Friday.” — Sefer HaSichos 5703 p. 153, Hisvaaduyos 5748 Vol. 4 p. 265.

Motzoei Shabbos: “The wedding of the Rebbe Rashab was on Motzoei Shabbos Kodesh Parshas Ki Setzei 11th Elul 5635 — the Kabbolas Panim was on the Friday Erev Shabbos Kodesh. “ — Chanoch Lenaar p. 10. “Rabbi Baruch (the father of the Alter Rebbe) wanted that the day of the chuppah be on Chai Elul. However since that year Chai Elul fell on Shabbos, he fixed the wedding for Motzoei Shabbos.” — Sefer HaSichos 5703 p. 151.

38.

Shaarei Halachah Uminhag Vol. 5 p. 267. See also Hanissuin Kehilchosom Ch. 17 regarding dates and procedure for a zivug sheni.

39.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 20 p. 12.

40.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 7 p. 38.

41.

“It is true that we have a tradition from our Holy Rebbeim that a shidduch should not be broken because of lack of money, and doing so poses a danger G‑d forbid. Also one should not postpone the date of a wedding Chas Veshalom.” — Igros Kodesh of the Alter Rebbe Vol. 1 p. 188. See also Igros Kodesh Vol. 10 p. 286, Vol. 8 p. 75. See Igros Kodesh Vol. 13 p. 152 where the Rebbe strongly voices his concern about the custom in certain communities to prolong the engagement period — often for a long time — in order that an apartment be purchased for the couple.

42.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 20 p. 54.

43.

Sefer HaMinhagim p. 76. See also Igros Kodesh Vol. 8 p. 154.

44.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 15 p. 330. See Igros Kodesh Vol. 21 p. 406, Vol. 23 p. 295.

45.

Hilchos De’os Ch. 3.

46.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 21 p. 233. The correct perspective on wedding expenses is that the Torah places a responsibility on parents to marry off their children (see Kiddushin 29a) and at the same time Hashem does not come with unreasonable demands (Pesachim 112a). Therefore, the expenses incurred making a wedding are a mitzvah and within one’s capability (even though superficially one may not see that to be the case) — Igros Kodesh Vol. 17 p. 290.

47.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 19 p. 394, Vol. 18 p. 207, Vol. 16 p. 40, Likkutei Sichos Vol. 14 p. 305. As regards to after the wedding, purchasing a property or paying a high rental see Igros Kodesh Vol. 13 p. 486, Likkutei Sichos Vol. 14 p. 305.

48.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 10 p. 131.

49.

Kuntres Simchas Olom p. 109. Practically speaking today, some parents agree to go half-half on the expenses and others make different arrangements such as the kallah’s side paying for the hall and catering and the chosson’s side paying for FLOP — Flowers, Liquor, Orchestra, Photographer. Whichever system one uses, it is essential that the mechutanim do not get into a fight about the expenses and certainly do not bring the chosson and kallah into the fight. (And although there is a saying of our Sages that there is no Kesubah without disagreement between the sides as to their commitment — nevertheless this is not one of the items that one should look to fulfill with a hiddur — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 6 p. 276.)

There is a very encouraging letter in Igros Kodesh Vol. 9 p. 106 — the following is a free translation: “After a while I was delighted to receive your letter of the 3rd of Sivan, and principally to read that a shidduch is being suggested for your daughter....and that which you write that the parents of the young man are not requesting a dowry and they wish to take upon themselves the expenses of an apartment, furniture and other expenses etc.. Although on the one hand I enjoyed reading this as proof that they hold your daughter in high esteem, however on the other hand a Jewish man and woman in general, and parents in particular, should want that their children should cost them effort both bodily, spiritually and even financially, as is well known the statement of the holy Zohar (Vol. 2, 128a) that matters of holiness should not come free. And this is certainly the case with regards to the wedding of a daughter, that not only should this cost money but one should not be stingy (with money), and this certainly is included in the matters that are fixed in the ten days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, and if one positions oneself broadly then Hashem also responds with an open hand.”

See also Igros Kodesh Vol. 8 p. 107 where the Rebbe tells the parents of a chosson that they should travel to participate in his wedding even though this would incur great costs. The desire to participate in the wedding is correct and according to Torah, and therefore one should have the trust that Hashem will provide the means for the journey. The parents should disregard the thought that by not travelling they will save money, for it could be that the money was given to them in the first place for this purpose. See however Igros Kodesh Vol. 18 p. 208, and p. 194 where the Rebbe discusses the possibility of giving the money that was to be spent on travel to the chosson and kallah instead.

As in similar cases of doubt, one who has this dilemma should discuss the matter with a Rav/Mashpia who is familiar with their personal circumstances.

50.

See Sicha of Motzoei Shabbos Kodesh Mishpatim 5739. In general, the Rebbe was opposed to the excessive travelling that has become the norm in many circles that distracts Yeshivah students from their learning, (he quoted in this regard the teaching of Chazal that “the Torah is not found amongst those who travel across the sea”) and generates unnecessary financial expenditure.

51.

In numerous places the Rebbe writes that closeness at a time when there should be distance breeds distance when there should be closeness. Furthermore, in many instances, shidduchim are placed under great stress or even broken due to the issue that the guidelines of Tznius have not been adhered to properly — see for example Igros Kodesh Vol. 9 p. 209, Vol. 14 p. 21. In one instance a kallah went on a trip with the chosson and his family, and upon their return he informed her that he wishes to break the shidduch — the Rebbe, in a hand written response answered, “The conduct between them was not with Tznius, in a way that contravenes the Torah and it is this that has caused the problem.”

52.

A chosson and kallah once came to NY from abroad and they entered into Yechidus in order to receive the Rebbe’s blessing, and in Yechidus they asked the Rebbe if he would be mesader kiddushin. The Rebbe asked them how they flew to NY, and they replied that together with the family they flew on one plane. The Rebbe with great surprise said, “a chosson and kallah before their wedding flew together!?” They replied, “But we were together with the family.” The Rebbe replied, “that is irrelevant — a chosson and kallah to fly together is a pritzus and a lack of Tznius and I can’t be the mesader kiddushin in such a case!” — And so it was, the Rebbe was not their mesader kiddushin — Kfar Chabad 1122.

53.

Even a chosson and kallah who are in the same town should minimize their meetings before the wedding, and certainly to travel abroad, which incurs so much arrangement, money, time and energy, is certainly not worth it — Shaarei Halachah Uminhag Even HoEzer p. 92.

54.

And less frequently is also not such a bad idea — Hiskashrus 70 p. 15. In today’s high tech era where we instant message and text, chosson and kallah need also to create borders in this area.

55.

Ibid.

56.

See Toras Menachem Vol. 10 p. 198.

57.

Ibid.

58.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 12 p. 228. This also applies to the Tenaim andKesubah.

59.

If the chosson does not have any money of his own and his parents buy the ring and give the ring to the chosson, then he should acquire the ring from them with a proper kinyan lifting the ring three tefochim with the express purpose of acquiring the ring for himself— see Nitei Gavriel Nisuin Vol. 1 21:7.

60.

See Shevach Nissuin (Hurvitz) p. 44 fn. 11 that Rabbi Y. L. Groner heard from the Rebbe that according to Kabbalah the wedding ring used under the chuppah should be of yellow gold and not white gold.

61.

Sefer HaMinhagim p. 76, Igros Kodesh Vol. 3 p. 428. The Previous Rebbe was quite insistent that nothing should be written on the ring and he even had removed the goldmark stamp from the inside of the ring — Toras Menachem Vol. 10 p. 200. At the Rebbe’s wedding the ring was a plain gold band — ibid.

62.

See Toras Menachem Vol. 2 p. 252.

By Nissan Dovid Dubov

Rabbi Nissan Dovid Dubov, a rabbinic scholar, lecturer and author, is director of Chabad Lubavitch in Wimbledon, UK.