Chapter 1: In Preparation

Ch. 5 end.

This means at the beginning of the 18th year — Rambam Hilchos Ishus 15:2.

Ch. 3:1

Although one is obligated to keep all other mitzvos at age 13, nevertheless the obligation to marry only starts at age 18. The reason for this is that in order to be able to keep the mitzvah of marriage properly it is necessary to first engage in learning Torah until age 18 — Hilchos Talmud Torah ibid.

See Toras Menachem Vol. 7 p. 29.

Avos and Bartenura ibid.

Toras Menachem Vol. 10 p. 202. As regards the age of the girl see Igros Kodesh Vol. 6 p. 72 regarding a shidduch for a 17 year old.

The Rav must also look into the following; a) if either the chosson or kallah were adopted and whether they had a halachic conversion, b) if either were previously married and had a halachic divorce, c) the marriage of a Kohen to a divorcee, chalutza, chalalah, convert, or a woman with a Jewish mother but gentile father, or if both parents of the woman are converts (if just one parent is a convert either father or mother, then the wedding is permissible), d) if either were widowed, a death certificate needs to be produced, and if the kallah is a widow, ninety days need to have passed since the husband’s death, e) if chalitzah is required.

It is necessary, that where applicable, the Kesubah of the parents of the chosson and kallah be produced to ascertain their identity, and check the parents’ Hebrew names.

These tests are now common practice — and not as indicated in Responsa Mishneh Halachos Vol. 12:265.

See Tehillim 32:6 (with commentaries) and Berachos 8a. We find (Bereishis 28:11 and commentaries) that Yaakov Avinu engaged in Avodas HaTefillah before he went to raise a family. Furthermore he placed stones around his head to protect his head. From this we learn that before one enters family life one must protect the head that it be steeped in Torah and Tefillah — see Toras Menachem Vol. 2 p. 99.

The Mishnah in Taanis (end) states: “There was no greater holiday for the Jewish people as the 15th of Av and Yom Kippur for on those days the daughters of Jerusalem would go out dancing in the vineyards saying, “Bochur lift up your eyes...” In Likkutei Sichos Vol. 24 p. 57, the Rebbe explains that this lifting up of the eyes was to look at a potential shidduch — not as any physical or spiritual advantage that you can see which is pleasing to your eyes, rather — with the recognition that matches are made in Heaven, and therefore one should pray that this is the true shidduch that has been decreed Above.

Toras Menachem Vol. 31 p. 55.

Sefer HaMinhagim p. 75. The purpose of this is not so much that everyone is expected to become a practicing rabbi, rather the intent is that every head of household needs to recognize a shaalah — a question of halachah, when one arises and to bring it to the attention of a Rav. Furthermore, it is not always possible to ask a Rav and therefore one must know the basics oneself — see Sicha 13th Tamuz 5712.

The nature of a semichah course is that one must immerse oneself in the subject matter. Consideration of shidduchim in the middle of the course would naturally be a disturbance. Therefore it is better not to entertain suggestions until after the semichah has been completed. Nevertheless, if one is sure that this will not be a disturbance then one may proceed — Shaarei Shidduchin, Heichal Menachem p. 62.

A certain chosson was in Yechidus a short time before his wedding and he had not yet completed his semichah and was rushing to finish before the wedding. The Rebbe said to him; “Now just before the wedding you are busy with the exam?! Now you need to learn the halachos (of married life) and chassidus! Nevertheless you should now decide on a time after the wedding such as six weeks after the wedding that you will complete the semichah. If this is decided before the wedding it may be considered as if you received semichah before the wedding (from a Reshimah of R. Menachem Wolf).

Shaarei Shidduchin p. 104. It should be noted that the Alter Rebbe writes in Likkutei Torah at the end of Parshas Vzos Haberachoh that the blessing bestowed upon a man is in the merit of his wife. This is also echoed in the Alter Rebbe’s Shulchan Aruch Choshen Mishpat, Hilchos Onaah section 32 where he writes, “A person should be careful to honor his wife, for blessing is only bestowed upon a person’s house in the merit of his wife, and that is what the Sages said to their generation — “Honor your wives so that you may become wealthy.” Consequently, in the quest for parnassah, it may actually be accelerated in the merit of a wife.

On one occasion the Rebbe was asked whether a young man should entertain a suggestion even though he had no means to make a parnassah. He replied that since the girl suggested had many good attributes he should definitely interest himself in the shidduch. Nevertheless, since he was not going to enter a kollel after marriage, there needed to be some practical plans made before the wedding how to support them both — see Nelcha B’orchosov p. 42 quoted in Shidduchim Venissuin, Kehot p. 47-48.

Although the Rebbe was not wont to give “Segulos” — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 4 p. 247, Vol. 14 p. 394, nevertheless, each mitzvah has a particular segulah — see Sicha Shabbos Parshas Bereishis 5728, Likkutei Sichos Vol. 6 p. 271, and when somebody is in need he will often resort to the segulah attached to that mitzvah — see Likkutei Sichos Vol. 19 p. 121.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 8 p. 74, Vol. 14 p. 478, Vol. 18 p. 327.

In numerous places the Rebbe writes that fixed times for Torah learning are a segulah to find a shidduch — see for example Igros Kodesh Vol. 4 p. 73, Vol. 8 p. 219.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 13 p. 102, Vol. 12 p. 392.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 7 p. 190. Vol. 4 p. 300. This is especially the case if the Tzedakah is for Hachnossas Kallah — Igros Kodesh Vol. 16 p. 180.

Ibid.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 13 p. 269, Vol. 15 p. 211.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 10 p. 259.

Shaarei Shidduchin p. 83.

See Likkutei Sichos Vol. 17 p. 147.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 26 p. 128, Vol. 20 p. 228.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 14 p. 85.

This expression of Chazal (Kiddushin 2b, Niddah 31b) is not just fanciful writing, rather it suggests that without a shidduch one is actually missing something, as Chazal say that one who lives without a wife is without joy — Igros Kodesh Vol. 12 p. 195.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 18 p. 436. Just as when one loses any item one proactively searches for the lost object, and does not await for someone to come and say they found it, so too must one be proactive in looking for a shidduch — Igros Kodesh Vol. 6 p. 144, p. 178.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 10 p. 259.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 7 p. 190. Rabbi Zusia of Anipoli learned a number of things from the conduct of a thief. One thing he learned was that even if he was not successful the first time, he doesn’t give up and will try a second and third time. Similarly with shidduchim, one should try and try again and in the end one will find something. One should not be deterred by the difficulties — Igros Kodesh Vol. 5 p. 119.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 19 p. 427, Vol. 10 p. 259. In reference to shidduchim, Chazal use the reference; “It is difficult to put them both together as it was to split the Red Sea.” The analogy may be taken further: just as the splitting of the Red Sea came about through strength of faith and trust in Hashem, so too a shidduch will come about through strengthened Bitachon — Igros Kodesh Vol. 8 p. 219.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 5 p. 119. Vol. 16 p. 327. In fact, the mere making of a “Keli” (a vessel) draws down results, and therefore if a person is not finding a shidduch it could be that they are not putting in the necessary hishtadlus in searching for one, rather they are just going through the motions “to fulfill their duty” and not with the requisite energy as in searching for a lost item — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 10 p. 354. In one letter the Rebbe berates someone for not putting in enough of an effort to find a shidduch but then finishes the letter with a blessing that since a shidduch is something that transcends nature, then even if naturally not enough hishtadlus is being made, nevertheless the shidduch should come about in a supernatural way! — Igros Kodesh Vol. 14 p. 345.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 7 p. 14, Vol. 12 p. 195, Vol. 13 p. 68. An advantage of approaching via a shadchan is that one is able to ask difficult questions through a third party without any risk of embarrassment or hurting another’s feelings — Igros Kodesh Vol. 20 p. 89.

The obligation to pay the shadchan is on both the parents of the chosson and the kallah. (If one side paid the shadchan and the other party did not pay, there is no obligation on the side that paid to pay for the other party as well — see Responsa Beis Yitzchok Even HoEzer Vol. 1:105). If one shadchan made a suggestion and another came and saw the shidduch through to fruition, a Rav should be consulted as to how much to pay the shadchanim.

There was a story of a couple who remained childless for a number of years after their wedding and they came to ask the Rebbe for a berachoh for children. The Rebbe inquired as to whether the shadchan had been paid. They made inquiries and in fact found that the shadchan had not been paid. After the shadchan was paid, the couple had a child.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 18 p. 284. See also Toras Menachem Vol. 3 p. 245. The very decision to establish such a home is a segulah to find the correct shidduch — Igros Kodesh Vol. 15 p. 211.

Yevamos 62a.

Toras Menachem Vol. 2 p. 50.

See Kiddushin 29a, Yevamos 62b, Sanhedrin 76b, Igros Kodesh Vol. 7 p. 269, Vol. 10 p. 314, Vol. 27 p. 239. See also HaNisuin Kehilchosom 1:4. When parents speak with their children about the search for a shidduch, they should do so pleasantly and not with undue pressure and threats. Furthermore, instead of just speaking in general about getting married, parents should seek to suggest a specific shidduch which they think would be suitable. This is often best done through the suggestion of someone other than the parents — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 10 p. 52.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 7 p. 14 where the Rebbe instructs a parent to give 18 cents to Tzedakah before prayer in order to create a vessel to draw down the blessing of a shidduch for his daughters.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 11 p. 138.

Regarding parental consent, see Igros Kodesh Vol. 27 p. 331, Vol. 23 p. 113, Vol. 27 p. 306, Heichal Menachem Vol. 3 p. 171. See however Igros Kodesh Vol. 29 p. 31. See also the references in fn.46. In practice, one should always act under the guidance of a competent Rav and mashpia.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 24 p. 211.

Ibid. p. 394.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 14 p. 148, Vol. 16 p. 113, Vol. 17 p. 274.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 27 p. 303.

Shaarei Shidduchin p. 105, Igros Kodesh Rayatz Vol. 12 p. 256, Igros Kodesh Vol. 23 p. 113. A woman wrote to the Rebbe that a number of shidduchim have been presented to her parents, however her mother and father are in disagreement as to which is the best suggestion. The Rebbe advised that she request that her parents should come to some agreement on the matter. If this is not forthcoming, then she should lean towards her mother’s suggestion — Igros Kodesh Vol. 24 p. 99.

Shaarei Shidduchin p. 105. There are those who when faced with indecision open a Chumash or Tehillim, and the first verse which they open to gives some indication as to what to do. The Rebbe in Hisvaaduyos 5749 p. 309, and on Shabbos Parshas Nitzavim 27th Elul 5741 states that this is a minhag of many Jews both Gedolei Yisroel and lay men and women.

One may possibly use this as a source for those who wish to open a volume of Igros Kodesh and see if there is any indication. See also Chikrei Minhagim Vol. 1 p. 230ff.

See Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah 240:25 and commentaries thereon. See also Igros Kodesh Rayatz Vol. 12 p. 256, Sefer Chassidim 562, Otzar Haposkim Even HoEzer 50:36.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 15 p. 436, Vol. 16 p. 296.

The following guidelines are offered in “Guard Your Tongue” by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin Ch. 10:6: “If either of the prospective marriage partners has a major physical deficiency, such as a serious internal illness that is not generally discernable, you are permitted to inform the other party. However, you must meet the following conditions: a) You must be certain that the chosson or kallah is actually ill. Instances when he or she is merely weak by nature are not included in this category and such information should not be volunteered, b) You must be careful not to exaggerate the extent of the illness, c) You must be motivated by concern for the person you are warning, not by any considerations of your own dislike for the other party, d) If you feel that they will marry despite your advice, you should refrain from mentioning the matter. Since nothing beneficial will emerge from your warning, it is forbidden to divulge such negative information.

You are permitted to inform the chosson or kallah that the other partner has an indiscernible internal illness even after a shidduch was completed. If you do not personally know that one of the prospective parties is ill, but have merely heard it said by others, you may only relate the information if you know that the person you will tell it to will not break off the shidduch without first verifying the matter.

See Appendix.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 12 p. 173 in reference to a case where the mother of the girl had not been well, and this concerned the boy. The Rebbe writes that since the mother has given birth to many healthy children, it should not be a concern. Nevertheless he should gather three good friends and explain to them the situation and they should say with the power of a rabim that there is no cause for concern, and he should pursue the shidduch. See a similar letter in Vol. 14 p. 80 where a couple was engaged and then they found out that there were some mental health issues with one of the family members. See also Shaarei Halachah Uminhag Even HoEzer p. 82 where the Rebbe writes that it is not a good idea for two people who suffer from depression to marry. See Igros Kodesh Vol. 15 p. 436 a case where one side suffered from a heart problem.

It must be stressed that each case is different, and where in doubt one should consult medical health professionals together with a competent Rav — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 16 p. 296, Vol. 17 p. 10.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 15 p. 96, the Rebbe’s response to one who stutters — that he should always bear in mind that Hashem’s Hashgochoh Protis extends to each individual and Hashem is essentially good and therefore he should fear no man, and when he will become strong in this Emunah he will not get over excited when he wishes to start a conversation, and he should speak calmly. Then, slowly, his enunciation will improve. This impediment should not deter him from searching for a good shidduch through the agency of good friends who will look for a G‑d fearing woman without mixing in matters of secondary importance, and then he will be successful in this.

Heichal Menachem Vol. 3 p. 172, Igros Kodesh Vol. 23 p. 76, Vol. 28 p. 139.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 18 p. 452. See also the response of Harav Moshe Feinstein Zt’l in the book “The Laws of Niddah” (Eng. New Jersey 1981, number 19), responsa Chelkas Yaakov Vol. 3:7.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 25 p. 75.

Likkutei Sichos Vol. 12 p. 87.

Shaarei Shidduchin p. 137, Igros Kodesh Vol. 4 p. 113, Vol. 20 p. 68, Vol. 27 p. 266. See Shaarei Halachah Uminhag Vol. 4 p. 78.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 17 p. 84, Vol. 4 p. 129.

This “meshichas halev” has to be felt in the heart and not just a logical conclusion that all the factors seem to be in place — Igros Kodesh Vol. 10 p. 338.

In a number of places the Rebbe writes that nowadays one need not consider the issue of one family being Ashkenazic and the other Sefardi as a reason to reject a shidduch — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 8 p. 75, Vol. 13 p. 187, Vol. 8 p. 119, Vol. 19 p. 391.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 23 p. 55, Vol. 9 p. 111. There will always be differences in character between two people and in making a shidduch the most important factor is their hashkafah — Igros Kodesh Vol. 19 p. 15.

Often in the initial period, the emotions take charge and opaque somewhat the larger issues. However, in reference to a lifetime, this period is short lived, and when the initial emotions fade, a person becomes much more critical as to whether the decision made was objective and not subjective. Consequently a decision must be made based on the two having the maximum compatibility — Shaarei Shidduchin p. 96, 97.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 7 p. 184, Vol. 27 p. 102.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 15 p. 218, Vol. 19 p. 268, Vol. 23 p. 55. In numerous places the Rebbe discourages shidduchim between a person who is already religious and a person who has decided to become religious in order to marry. The Rebbe points out that a decision to become religious must be made independent of the shidduch and must be tried and tested to see if it will be possible for the newly religious person to maintain a standard. Furthermore, that religiosity can be tested by the strains of a relationship. Therefore such a shidduch is not a good idea, and it would be much better to look for one who has a more similar background. See for example: Igros Kodesh Vol. 18 p. 485, Vol. 16 p. 179, Vol. 19 p. 269, Vol. 18 p. 284, p. 485 Vol. 21 p. 432, Likkutei Sichos Vol. 39 p. 323.

It is also incorrect to initiate a shidduch in which concessions will have to be made in the principles of Yiddishkeit. One concession leads to the next, and this inevitably leads to conflict at a point where one side no longer feels comfortable — see Shaarei Shidduchim p. 125.

In one letter, the Rebbe addresses the issue of a case in which the woman was not originally observant, and she became observant, although not yet 100%, and the man was asking whether he can rely on her promise that she would become 100% observant after the wedding. The Rebbe replied that it depends, a) on her nature, if she is a person who generally keeps her word (and has a track record of doing so), and b) whether or not she is fully aware of what an observant life entails — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 13 p. 68.

In another letter, there was a case of an observant woman who expressed a wish to get married to an observant man, however someone had come along and cast aspersions on her conduct in the past. The Rebbe wrote that since her conduct in the present is observant — and certainly Teshuvah helps — then they may go ahead — Igros Kodesh Vol. 12 p. 385.

The Rebbe’s answers to the request of chassanim and kallos for their shidduchim varied, however in many of the answers the Rebbe premised his blessing on the couples commitment to establishing a home on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos.

The Rebbe explained that he can only agree with a full heart to a shidduch when he sees the maximum hope that their lives together will be blessed, and that depends on establishing their lives on the principles of Shulchan Aruch (and not in a case where one of them states that this mitzvah they agree with and this they disagree), for Hashem has promised success to those who follow His path, which is not the case to those who follow different paths, and the Rebbe can’t take responsibility to be involved in such an arrangement where the blessings of Hashem are not guaranteed — Igros Kodesh Vol. 9 p. 111.

In the text of the Rebbe’s blessing for a shidduch, the Rebbe mentions the concept of a “Binyan Adei Ad” — an everlasting edifice. In a number of places, the Rebbe expands upon this theme and says that a building is only as strong as its foundations. The external features of a building are not as important as its foundations. The material from which the foundations are built has to be durable and withstand wear and tear. Similarly in the creation of a marriage, both in its physical and spiritual dimension, what will lead to a happy life and a true Jewish home, is when the foundations of the home are Torah and mitzvos, which throughout the generations have proven to be the best and most durable foundation material. One may disregard the opinion of those onlookers who do not understand the importance of such foundations. In fact, the most important opinion when building a house that must be taken into consideration, is that of the builder. He will tell you which material needs to be used for a strong building. Similarly, Hashem, the architect of the marriage relationship knows which elements are best for it to be everlasting.

This is particularly the case when establishing a chassidishe home which is imbued with the inner warmth and light of chassidus as expounded by the Rebbeim of Chabad in each generation and especially by the Rebbe. In fact hiskashrus to the Rebbe — the extension of Moshe in each generation — is a sure channel through which one may build this Binyan Adei Ad (see Toras Menachem Vol. 2 p. 251.)

The intention here is that the chosson and kallah should accept upon themselves Torah learning and mitzvah performance on a daily basis, and in particular with middos tovos, middas hachassidus whose emphasis is Ahavas Yisroel — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 7 p. 60, Vol. 10 p. 385, Vol. 4 p. 62, Vol. 13 p. 390, 466, 481, Likkutei Sichos Vol. 14 p. 307.

The Rebbe was not in favor of a shidduch in which the woman was not willing to wear a sheitel. In many of those answers the Rebbe also explained the difference between wearing a tichel (kerchief) and a sheitel in that a tichel can easily be removed especially if she is embarrassed before friends etc., whereas a sheitel one does not remove — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 9 p. 111, Vol. 10 p. 92, Vol. 11 p. 115, Vol. 18 p. 92, Vol. 15 p. 8, 198, 513, Vol. 10 p. 92.

On the subject of a sheitel, it must also be a kosher sheitel that covers all the hair. Furthermore, at home where a tichel is worn, the tichel must cover all the hair as required by Shulchan Aruch. In a certain Yechidus in which the Rebbe was discussing hair covering with a kallah who only wished to partially cover her hair after the wedding, the Rebbe asked her whether she only wanted partial Nachas from her children?! See Mishnah Berurah Orach Chaim section 75 who quotes the Zohar that full hair covering both outside and inside the home brings tremendous blessings to the entire family.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 4 p. 129.

Yechidus to chassanim and kallos — Hisvaaduyos 5747, Vol. 1 p. 419.

Yechidus 17th Adar Sheni — Hisvaaduyos 5744, Vol. 2 p. 1287.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 19 p. 326. It should be noted that the Talmud Shabbos 23b states that one who lights Shabbos candles will have children who are Talmidei Chachomim, and Rashi explains that through the candle lighting of the woman she will merit to have sons-in-law who are Talmidei Chachomim. The Rebbe in Likkutei Sichos Vol. 17 p. 147 adds that a girl who lights Shabbos candles will merit to marry a husband who is a Talmid Chacham.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 4 p. 274. The Rebbe draws an analogy from a house. Although a house may look externally attractive, nevertheless, most important to those who live in the house is that the house is structurally sound, built on solid foundations. Even though these foundations are not readily noticeable to passers by — who only see the external design — nevertheless, the strength of the home is in its structure and foundations. Similarly, one should not base a relationship on external features alone, whilst overlooking the most important infrastructure of Yiras Shomayim, Torah and good middos.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 14 p. 139, Vol. 15 p. 413, Vol. 19 p. 63.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 5 p. 103. In one letter — Igros Kodesh Vol. 8 p. 276, the Rebbe draws an analogy to the saying of Chazal that to bring two people together is as difficult as the splitting of the Reed sea. Just as by the Yam Suf, it split only after Nachshon had jumped into the sea following the instruction of Moshe, similarly by a shidduch one has to have bitachon and take the plunge. In the very same letter the Rebbe also reminds the correspondent that in order to open the doorway of the Temple, one must first create the eye of a needle.

See also Igros Kodesh Vol. 5 p. 269 that one can never be 100% sure that this is the right shidduch. And although before deciding on a shidduch much contemplation is necessary to decide if this is the right one, nevertheless, there needs to be a measure of bitachon. The advice is not to go to extremes — don’t accept the first suggestion that comes to hand but neither be too picky.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 4 p. 272, Vol. 14 p. 221.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 28 p. 349.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 24 p. 55. Alternatively a name may be added to the mother-in-law — see Likkutei Sichos Vol. 24 p. 460. In Igros Kodesh Vol. 15 p. 127 the Rebbe writes that in addition to adding a name they should also not live in the same place. It should also be noted that in a number of places the Rebbe raises doubts as to whether Sefardim ever accepted the Tzavaah of R’ Yehudah Hachassid, and that being the case, no extra names would need to be added. Therefore if the kallah is a Sefardi she should ask a Rav what to do — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 16 p. 329, Vol. 24 p. 295.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 24 p. 55.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 16 p. 330, Vol. 25 p. 86.

See Igros Kodesh of the Rebbe Rashab Vol. 2 p. 523. Igros Kodesh Vol. 19 p. 295. She should also sign her name with both names — Likkutei Sichos Vol. 24 p. 460. See also Likkutei Sichos Vol. 34 p. 299.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 24 p. 55. However the Rebbe writes that it would be advisable that they should sign their names differently.

An example of this case is found in Igros Kodesh Vol. 6 p. 12 where the mother of the kallah was Leah Raizel and the mother of the chosson Miriam Leah — then based on the ruling of the Tzemach Tzedek Even HoEzer 143, there is no issue whatsoever and the shidduch may go ahead with no name changes.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 15 p. 204 one of the suggested reasons for this is that the kallah will call her chosson with the name of her father.

There are opinions that say that this is not necessary — see Igros Kodesh Vol. 4 p. 160. Nevertheless, see Igros Kodesh Vol. 17 p. 276 in response to a 30 year old bochur who wanted to get engaged to a woman whose father had the same name as the bochur, where the Rebbe responded that since the shidduch was favorable from the viewpoint of yiras shomayim, then it would be correct for the bochur to convene three Rabbonim and they should rule that an additional name be added and that he be called up to the Torah and sign with that name. The Rebbe also suggested that the additional name should go before his previous name, and that this should be done at least 30 days before the Tenaim.

I.e. the Rav of the place he learns and prays, Igros Kodesh Vol. 24 p. 295.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 17 p. 276. As to whether he needs to be called by the additional name or whether it is sufficient that he is called up to the Torah and signs with that name see Igros Kodesh Vol. 6 p. 12.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 4 p. 160. This again follows the ruling of the Tzemach Tzedek in Even HoEzer 143, and in Piskei Dinim Yoreh Deah 116 that in a case when the names are not exactly the same, one need not worry about the Tzavaah of R’ Yehudah Hachassid. Nevertheless when he signs or gets called up to the Torah he should be called by both names. As to whether people actually need to call him by both names, see Igros Kodesh Vol. 6 p. 12.

In Igros Kodesh Vol. 18 p. 136, the Rebbe writes that it would be correct that a name be added to either of the mothers (see Responsa Chassam Sofer Even HoEzer Vol. 1:116, Responsa Avnei Tzedek Even HoEzer 6). However, in a verbal communication, Rabbi Leibel Groner, the Rebbe’s secretary, said that in a number of such cases, the Rebbe did not indicate that a name change was necessary.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 8 p. 318.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 15 p. 326.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 4 p. 197.

Ibid.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 7 p. 269.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 15 p. 326, Hapartizan p. 350. In a letter in Igros Kodesh Vol. 26 p. 129, the Rebbe suggested that each should put aside 63 Lira (at least) as a gift for the older sister. It appears that this figure was arrived at because the older sister was called Chanah and the numerical value of Chanah is 63.

See Igros Kodesh Vol. 17 p. 292 the Rebbe’s response in a case in which a boy wished to get engaged to a girl, but the girl’s family indicated that her older sister was soon to become engaged and they wanted to wait for the older sister to get engaged before the younger sister moves ahead.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 15 p. 192, Vol. 20 p. 228, Likkutei Sichos Vol. 20 p. 571.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 20 p. 228, Mikdash Melech Vol. 3 p. 53.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 11 p. 241 — the Rebbe writes there, that this request for consent should be made before three people, and he should say in front of those three that he gives his consent with a full heart. See however Shevach Nissuin (Hurvitz) p. 61 fn. 7 in the name of Rabbi Y.L. Groner who heard from the Rebbe that there is no problem in a younger sister getting married before an older brother. See also Habayis Hayehudi (Karasik) p. 454.

Ibid. In Igros Kodesh Vol. 19 p. 46 where a woman who had two older brothers asked whether she may get married, the Rebbe responded that she should speak over the matter with a Rav and he should rule with the power of his semichah — which then becomes Daas Torah — that she may in fact proceed.

Igros Kodesh Vol. 6 p. 105.

I.e. fluent in the content but not verbatim — Likkutei Sichos Vol. 24 p. 462, Igros Kodesh Vol. 13 p. 123.