The Tremendous Quality Of Peace and Tranquility
Peace is of such great importance that it serves as the basis for all other blessings.
The Mishnah states:1 “R. Shimon ben Chalafta said, ‘G‑d found no other vessel than peace that could contain the blessings for the Jewish people.’ As the verse states,2 ‘G‑d will give strength to His people; G‑d will bless His people with peace.’”
Moreover, our Sages have said:3
“The entire Torah was given in order to imbue the world with peace.” In other words, G‑d’s holy Torah, containing His Divine will and wisdom which completely transcend this world, descended into this world for the sole purpose of imbuing the world with peace.
Our Sages inform us:4 “Even if Jews would be idolaters, G‑d forbid, if there is peace and unity among them, the attribute of justice will not do them harm.”
King David says in Tehillim:5 “Seek peace and pursue it.” The Midrash explains6 this to mean that we are to toil and take pains to seek and request peace: “When presented with the opportunity, all other mitzvos are obligated to be performed by you; if the opportunity does not present itself, you are under no obligation to perform them. Peace, however, is to be sought and pursued wherever it may be, [even when the chances for success are not easily realizable].”
Peace in the Home:
The Key to Peace in One’s Surroundings
The key to “peace,” i.e., the foundation on which to live one’s life in peace, love and harmony without friction and strife, is shalom bayis: peace and tranquility between husband and wife.
When shalom bayis exists in the home — when there is peace and tranquility between husband and wife — then this peace will radiate into one’s environment and will ultimately extend to all the Jewish people. Thus our Sages state:7 “Whoever brings about peace in his home is considered as if he brought peace to all Jews; whoever triggers envy and rivalry in his home is considered as if he has instigated envy and rivalry among all Jews.”8
Our Sages have also spoken most forcefully about the imperative to eradicate hatred and arguing [in one’s home], going so far as to say that quarrelsome individuals will ultimately transgress the entire Torah, saying: “Whoever causes undue fear within his household will ultimately transgress the three cardinal sins of idolatry, incestuous relations, and murder.”9
The importance of shalom bayis between husband and wife is so great that even G‑d’s holy name is to be erased “in order to achieve peace between husband and wife.”10 In other words, despite the extreme degree of sanctity of G‑d’s name, G‑d is quite willing to allow His name to be erased if it can lead to shalom bayis.
When shalom bayis exists, the home is transformed into a veritable Garden of Eden, filled with peace and tranquility, calm and serenity. As we recite in the sixth blessing of the Sheva Berachos: “Grant abundant joy to these loving friends as You bestowed gladness upon Your created beings in the Garden of Edenof old.”
How Does One Achieve True Peace?
Despite the importance of peace and harmony, true peace and harmony, involving as it does true altruism and selflessness, seems exceedingly difficult to achieve.
Man is after all a self-centered creature, seeking out that which will benefit him most, even if it comes at the expense of others. How can man unselfishly forego his own benefit in order to benefit others, truly loving others more than he loves himself?
Obviously, the question here is about achieving true peace and love, not the kind of peace and love that is based entirely on self-interest, where “one hand washes the other,” or peace for the sake of being honored and the like. Rather, we are speaking here of an individual who truly loves his fellow and most earnestly desires his well-being.
For the mitzvah of ahavas Yisroel, the mitzvah of “loving one’s fellow as one loves himself,”11 implies true love of one’s fellow. He loves the person exactly as he loves himself, assisting and supporting the other without any thought of benefit or recompense for himself.
How can a person tell whether he is acting with true love or not? By measuring his degree of dedication to the other:
When someone truly loves another to the same extent that he loves himself, he will share with him his own essentials, his own portion of his daily bread, and not only those matters that he can easily do without. However, when his love for his fellow is on a lower level than his love of self, he will only provide the other with those things that he is capable of parting with.
The following problem and difficulty now presents itself.
It seems next to impossible in our coarse and corporeal world to have true and sincere love for another. For the most part, even the acts of kindness that people perform are not performed out of true love but for selfish motives, e.g., so that his friend will “owe him one,” or that he will be honored, etc.12
How, then, can there be true love and peace among people, when by nature man is self-seeking and self-centered?
The same question can be asked about the love and peace that is the focal point of our book, the love and peace between husband and wife. This is what we boldly declare in the seventh blessing of the Sheva Berachos: that the couple can attain the pinnacle of “love, friendship, harmony and fellowship.” How is this attainable?
Male and Female:
Opposite Traits and Characteristics
In a certain sense, true peace and harmony is even harder to achieve between husband and wife than between any two people of the same gender.
For by their essential nature, man and woman are the opposite of each other.13 This is true regarding their actions, character, manner, and appearance, as well as their soul’s source Above. In fact, the differences between men and women are so distinct that there is an expression in the Gemara that reads: “Women are a people unto themselves.”14
Some examples of this:
Regarding the actions of men and women: “The man brings in the wheat; the woman grinds and bakes it.”15
Regarding the manner of men and women: “It is the norm for men to go out and conquer; it is not the norm for women to go out and conquer.”16 Also: “The entire glory of the king’s daughter is within.”17
Regarding the standing of men and women: The husband is considered the “head” of the household, as he conveys Torah knowledge to all the family members. The wife is considered the “heart” of the household, as she permeates the home with positive emotions and fine character traits.18 Also, the wife inculcates all the family members with pure and unadulterated faith in G‑d, a faith that emanates from the depth of her heart.
Moreover, the wife is known as akeres habayis, the mainstay of the home, for the most important aspects of the home, including the crucial task of raising children, falls to her.
(According to Kabbalah and Chassidus as well, the male is likened to the supernal Sefiros of Z’eir Anpin, the aspect of bestower, and the female is likened to Malchus, the aspect of recipient.19 )
So different are man and woman from each other that our Sages say,20 “It is as difficult to pair them together in marriage as it was difficult to split the Red Sea.”
This being so, how can true peace and harmony reign between husband and wife when they are so markedly different from each other?
True Peace and Harmony
Because of Their Mutual Soul
Truly, true peace and harmony between husband and wife can only come about by studying and meditating on the following concept, stressed so often in this book:
The Jewish home — the mutual lives of husband and wife — is not merely physical, but also, and most importantly, a life that results from the melding and union of their one soul, as explained at length in the introduction to the first volume, “Introduction to Married Life.”
Husband and wife are not two separate entities who decide to form a physical partnership in which they mutually undertake to live life together. Rather, they are intrinsically and inherently one spiritual entity — one soul. The soul of husband and wife, which was truly one in heaven, descended into two separate bodies, one half placed within the male and the other half within the female. The truest aspect of marriage is the spiritual unification of these soul halves; their becoming one again.
We can now understand how true peace and harmony can exist between husband and wife. Were their marriage bond limited to their physical life alone, it would be truly impossible for them to live in true peace and harmony — their personal needs would inevitably take precedence over the needs of their spouse. However, when they sense and become aware of how, in truth, they are not two (physical entities) at all, but are essentially and truly “one” — one soul — then true peace and harmony can reside in their midst.
This, then, is the method and the key that enable husband and wife to build their home on a framework of true peace and harmony: when their marriage is based not only on physical love and affection, but more importantly, when it is based on its inner and spiritual dimension. For when a marriage is based merely on the physical, it will indeed be impossible for the couple, poles apart as they are physically and psychologically, to dwell together in true peace and harmony.
However, when a couple is not only aware, but actually “lives” with their inner and inherent soul connection, their marriage will be flawless, replete with “love, harmony, peace and camaraderie,”21 where the “husband will honor his wife even more than he honors himself.”22 A marriage of this nature assures the couple an “eternal edifice” for many long and happy days and years.23
Peace and Harmony
Not Only of the Soul, but Also of the Body
True and complete peace between husband and wife results when their state of shalom bayis neutralizes and nullifies any and all antagonism and disagreement that may exist between them.
However, this state seems to hold true with only the spiritual aspect of their marriage — only in this regard are they truly “one,” without discord or dissension. Regarding their physical selves, however, they remain two disparate and distinct personalities; the most they can seemingly achieve is that their physical dissimilarities and distinctions will not mar their spiritual relationship, knowing as they do that the main aspect of their relationship is spiritual. Their true peace and harmony is thus merely spiritual — soul harmony and not physical harmony.
But true peace and harmony between husband and wife means that this state exists equally on all levels, that their peace and harmony is just as genuine in the physical aspects of their life as it is with their soul. How is this possible?
Moreover, the commandment:24 “Therefore shall man leave his father and mother, and he shall cleave to his wife, and they shall be one flesh,” implies that their peace and harmony should be physical as well — just as their souls are “one,” so too should they physically be as one, living together in true peace and harmony on a physical level as well.
The idea that the spiritual unity between husband and wife is to exist on the physical plane as well can be seen from the creation of the first couple, Adam and Chavah, whose creation differed from all other created beings.
The male and female of all other species were simultaneously created as two distinct and separate creatures. G‑d, however, created only the male of the human species, Adam. Thereafter, “G‑d caused a slumber to fall on Adam, and he slept. G‑d took one of his ribs ... and built from it a woman.”25
One of the reasons for the difference in the manner of their creation is to teach us that the connection between husband and wife is wholly unlike that of the male and female of any other species. It is a unique bond and union in which a man and a woman become a true single entity.
This one entity was therefore created as one flesh so that the peace and tranquility and utter union between husband and wife would be felt and would exist not only spiritually, but equally so in the physical realm.
Since, however, all other human beings are not created from one flesh as were Adam and Chavah, how can they possess the same degree of unity and peace and harmony that results from actually being created of one flesh?
Two Forms of Peace
Let us first explain the meaning of “true peace.”26
Controversy and strife arise between individuals because of a clash of egos; their egotistical feelings of self-esteem and self-worth are so intense that they leave no room for the other. Amity can be achieved in one of two ways:
a) Their points of contention are set aside and they are consequently able to coexist in peace.
b) Although their points of contention have not been resolved, they can live together in peace and without hostility because they are altogether oblivious of their own egos — they are only aware of their mutual aims and goals. Since their egos are stilled and their goals and aspirations are the same, they can live together harmoniously; they can live together in peace.
When a person leads a completely self-absorbed life, other individuals and their needs will naturally be in opposition to his own. When one, however, lives his life based on a profound purpose and objective — an objective that can only be realized in collaboration with another — then rather than seeing that other as an obstacle to one’s self, he will realize how much he needs the other. Only by forming a true and selfless alliance and relationship with another can this mutual goal be attained.
An example to the above can be found in the words of our Sages in their comment on the verse,27 “…He who makes peace in His heavens,” as our Sages observe:28 “G‑d makes peace on high between the two archangels Michoel and Gavriel.”
Michoel is known as the Archangel of Water — his service is in the form of chessed, or kindness, which is likened to water. Gavriel is known as the Archangel of Fire — his service is in the form of gevurah, or severity, which is likened to fire.
“G‑d makes peace between them” so that “they do not extinguish each other” — Michoel’s service of “water” does not extinguish the “fire” of Gavriel, nor does the heat of Gavriel’s service of “fire” vaporize the “water” of Michoel. Rather, they each make room and allow for the service of the other. For standing as they do before G‑d, they are utterly unaware of their own existence as beings of fire and water. They are only aware that they are both G‑d’s angels and messengers.
Were they to be primarily concerned with their own selves, then just as fire and water cannot coexist, Michoel and Gavriel, too, would certainly be unable to tolerate each other’s presence. Since, however, their mutual and primary goal is that of fulfilling G‑d’s will and mission, and Michoel and Gavriel are both aware that they and their fellow archangel are doing so in their own inimitable manner, they are therefore able to live together in utter peace and harmony.
True and Complete Peace and Harmony
Which of the two above manners of peace and harmony is the more authentic: a) where the points of contention between the two parties are ignored so that they can coexist in peace; or b) although their points of contention remain unresolved, they live together in peace and harmony, for fulfilling their joint mission and assignment is what is most important and not the fulfillment of their own ego?
In the first instance, true peace and harmony does not really exist, since each of the two conflicting parties merely pays no heed to his own true desires. In essence, however, they are still at complete odds with each other.
However, in the second instance, although neither of the two parties are setting aside their own interests, they truly live with the other in peace and harmony, as what is of vital importance is their mutual goals and aspirations, not their individual personalities and egos.
Moreover, since each of them was created by G‑d with his own unique set of personality traits and characteristics, it follows that G‑d desired that each serve Him consistent with, and conforming to, his own unique temperament and personal disposition.
Thus, the first manner — in which they disregard their points of contention by nullifying their individual traits and temperaments — is in opposition to G‑d’s desire that they interact with each other while retaining their unique set of personality traits and characteristics.
However, in the second scenario, each remains in full possession of his unique temperaments and personal dispositions, but leaves room for the other to fulfill his task and mission in keeping with his unique temperament and nature. In this manner, both are united in and nullified to their desire to accomplish their mutual goal.
Thus, regarding the aspect of “He who makes peace in His heavens,” in the peace made between Michoel, the Archangel of Water, and Gavriel, the Archangel of Fire, Michoel does not cease serving G‑d out of love, nor does Gavriel cease serving Him out of fear and awe. Were they to do so, they would be withdrawing and retreating from their Divine task and mission.
They must, therefore, remain steadfast in their personal and unique manner of service. Michoel remains the Archangel of Water and Gavriel remains the Archangel of Fire in order to fulfill the will of the King that they serve Him in their unique and particular manner.
Nevertheless, even as they continue to serve G‑d in these two opposite modes of Divine service, “they do not extinguish each other,” as they are both permeated and saturated with the perception and sensation of fulfilling their mutual mission — fulfilling the King’s desires.
Peace That Derives From Appreciating
The Mission and the Objective
The above is equally true regarding achieving true peace and harmony between husband and wife.
Marriage that leads to “love, friendship, harmony and fellowship” between husband and wife is not attained by negating and foregoing their individual personalities for the sake of living in peace and harmony. Rather, husband and wife are expected to retain their positive individual character traits, different as they may be from those of their mates. Still, peace and serenity resides within their marriage, for both husband and wife are permeated and infused with the insight and discernment to fulfill their shared undertaking — building a faithful home based on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos.
This is the true degree of peace and harmony between husband and wife: Each perceives that what is most important is not his or her own ego and self-fulfillment, but that they share one common soul and a mutual spiritual goal.29
When husband and wife are fully aware that their purpose lies in fulfilling their mutual task and goal, then even though they retain their differences, they will not feel any degree of opposition to each other, not even in the slightest. To the contrary, true shalom bayis will reign in their midst, as both of them share the mutual desire to carry out their shared goal, each of them accomplishing this according to his or her traits and persona. For only then can they fulfill their common goal of constructing an eternal edifice based on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos.
Two Positives Forming a Negative
There are instances in which a permissible and “positive” object mixed with another permissible object becomes prohibited, i.e., two “positives” form a “negative.”
Regarding food: It is prohibited to mix (cook) kosher meat with kosher milk, in keeping with the injunction,30 “Do not cook a kid in its mother’s milk.”
Regarding clothing: “Do not wear a forbidden mixture in which wool and linen are together [in a single garment].”31 This forbidden mixture is known as shatnez. Of course, wool and linen are permitted to be worn separately, yet their mixture is strictly prohibited.
Regarding agriculture: The verse states,32 “Do not plant kilayim (a mixture of grapes and other plants) in your vineyard.” While it is perfectly acceptable to plant grapes and other plants separately, planting them together is prohibited.
Regarding animals: “Do not plow with an ox and a donkey together.”33 Again, while there is absolutely nothing wrong with plowing with either an ox or a donkey, it is utterly forbidden to do so when they are both harnessed to the same yoke.
In all these instances, we have two positives, or permitted matters, forming a negative and prohibited matter.
This is truly perplexing.
Since each individual element of the above is fine and “kosher” alone, why does “making peace” between them by harnessing their mutual forces render them forbidden? How and why does the commingling of two positives come to form a negative? Why should hybridization be a sinful act?
Peace and the combination of two matters are considered positive and good only when each of the items that are combined retains its individuality and at the same time does not intrude on the other. To the contrary, they live together in true peace and harmony as both of them are truly dedicated to a mutual goal that can only be fulfilled when they coalesce and combine with each other. However, a “peace” that requires the negation of each one’s unique individuality is not peace at all.
The combinations of meat and milk or the combinations of shatnez and kilayim are therefore strictly prohibited because at the same time that they are melding, they are also negating and nullifying their original character traits.
Rabbeinu Bachya’s Statement Regarding Peace
Rabbeinu Bachya explains this at length in his commentary to the Torah portion Kedoshim:34
“All created beings, animal or vegetable, possess a power and spiritual force (mazal) Above. Each being is created specifically according to its kind, for G‑d created plants and animals so that they bring forth ‘their own kind.’
“He who hybridizes or commingles two distinct kinds, changes and denies G‑d’s Creation,” as the Torah states [that each type should propagate solely] “their own kind.” By commingling the kinds, he violates G‑d’s desire of keeping the various kinds of animal and plant life separate and distinct. It is as if he were saying that G‑d did not create sufficient creations and he therefore wants to supplement G‑d’s Creation by adding new and additional kinds.
[This is also true regarding plowing with an ox and a donkey together, for as Rambam explains this mitzvah, “A farmer generally places his draft animals in the same stable, and this can lead to interbreeding.”]
“Kabbalistically speaking, he who increases progeny from one kind increases peace Above; he who increases progeny from the commingling of two kinds causes a reduction of peace, for he intermingles the supernal powers, thereby nullifying and uprooting them.”
External Combination and Internal Fusion
In light of the above, we will understand a fundamental difference between the different forms of kilayim.35
With regard to most forms of kilayim,their prohibition is based ontheir composition and formulation, e.g.,that which is formed by the admixture of plant life, and the interbreeding of animal life, not only to their usage. This is not the case, however, with the kilayim of garments, i.e., shatnez, where one is permitted to fabricate a garment of wool and linen but is merely prohibited to don such a garment.
Moreover, in certain circumstances, wearing kilayim is entirely permissible. Thus, one may wear kilayim for the sake of performing the mitzvah of tzitzis36 or for a kohen’s performance of his priestly service in the Beis HaMikdash while wearing his priestly sash, which was made of kilayim.37
Why is shatnez different from all other forms of kilayim?
The difference is the way in which the kinds are commingled.
Once commingled, all other forms of kilayim are impossible to separate, remaining intrinsically connected forever. (A plant that grew from the intermingling of grapes with other types of plants remains that way forever, as there is no way that the hybrid can be undone. So, too, with the ox and the donkey — the result of their crossbreeding will always continue to exist and cannot be undone.)
With regard to shatnez, however, no essential and fundamental intermingling has transpired; the two materials of wool and linen are merely bound together superficially. In fact, their connection is so tenuous that the wool and linen threads can be wholly unraveled and separated from one another.
An intrinsic difference thus exists between these two forms of kilayim:
The intermingling of all other forms of kilayim is essential to their very existence — a truly new creation has resulted from this merger. So absolute is this mixture that the original two entities have wholly disappeared, consumed as they are in the new creation that results from their merger. Accordingly, the very act of producing such a form of kilayim is prohibited, as the production itself causes a radical change in the created beings.
With regard to shatnez, however, the change is only superficial. The wool and linen threads are in extremely close proximity, but the wool remains wool and the linen remains linen. For this reason, they can ultimately be completely separated from each other. Therefore, merely producing the garment is not prohibited at all, for no real change in the wool and linen has taken place.
The prohibition against shatnez is only applicable to a person when he uses it as a garment, as it is forbidden to wear a garment made of shatnez. In this case, the person is making use of an intermingling of separately created plants — by wearing the garment, he is benefiting from the mixture of wool and linen.
We can now understand why, for the sake of the performance of a mitzvah such as wearing tzitzis or a kohen’s wearing the priestly sash, kilayim is wholly permissible.
When the garment is not worn for the individual’s sake but for the sake of performing a mitzvah, even wearing the garment is permissible. This does not go against G‑d’s command of creating separate kinds, as the kinds still remain separate and can even be completely unraveled. The entire prohibition lies in using such a garment for one’s personal benefit and pleasure. When, however, it is used for the sake of a mitzvah, for a Divine purpose, it is permitted.
Thus, with regard to wearing shatnez for the sake of a mitzvah, it is as if the two disparate entities of wool and linen nullify themselves for the purpose of fulfilling a mitzvah. Wearing the garment under such circumstances is therefore permissible.
Two Truly Different Classes
Can Never Genuinely Unite
In conclusion, let us explain why it is indeed impossible to create an intrinsic and essential bond by combining the wool and linen of shatnez and the fact that it is always possible to unravel it, while it is impossible to do so with all other forms of kilayim.
Shatnez combines two completely different orders and classes of created beings: wool is from an animal and linen is from a plant. Matters that are so intrinsically different from each other can never form a seamless bond.
Kilayim, however, is an amalgamation of two of the same class, an ox with a donkey and a grape plant with another plant. Since they are of the same class and order, they can be so perfectly connected that they can never be separated from each other.38
The same principles apply to shalom bayis between husband and wife.
True shalom bayis is not achieved when husband and wife relinquish those essential qualities and dispositions that are different from those of their mate. Rather, the opposite is true — each one uses his or her innate nature and personality in fulfilling their mutual goal.
In spite of this, there is no conflict between them. True shalom bayis resides in their midst because each of them feels that what is most important is not his or her personal predispositions, inclinations and ego, but that of fulfilling their mutual task and common goal: constructing an eternal edifice based on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos.
Peace While Still on the Path of
Accomplishing One’s Objective
The true peace and harmony between husband and wife discussed until now only pertains to the end result and the goal — that both husband and wife feel they are accomplishing the mutual goal and objective of building a home together. It does not, however, address the way to achieve shalom bayis while they are still in the process of accomplishing this goal.
For the path that each will take to reach their mutual goal will differ; it will depend on their individual personalities. It is merely that at this point, husband and wife will not stand in each other’s way, for they need each other in order to be able to reach their mutual objective.
True shalom bayis is expressed when full peace and harmony reigns between husband and wife, regardless of their differences, even while they are still on the path of accomplishing their objective. How is this accomplished?
Peace Between Students Of the Torah
To understand the above, we first need to understand the aspect of peace as it applies to Torah.39
Although the Torah was basically given in a clear manner, there are situations where a decisive determination is lacking: “The Torah was not given [entirely] in a decisive manner: [with regard to matters that are in doubt,] there are forty-nine indicators that point to a ruling of ‘pure’ and forty-nine counter-indicators that point to a ruling of ‘impure.’”40
Throughout the generations, our Sages have had disputes regarding Torah matters. At times their opinions differed to the extreme, with some declaring a matter “permitted” and some declaring the matter “prohibited”; some declaring a food item “kosher” and fit to eat, and some declaring the item to be non-kosher and unfit for consumption.
After much discussion and clarification among the scholars, a final ruling was issued. This ruling inevitably followed the majority opinion, as the Torah states,41 “Follow the ruling of the majority.” The quarreling scholars would then arrive at a state of peace and harmony, with the dissenters agreeing to the majority ruling.
Thus the Gemara states:42 “Even a father and son, a master and his student, who in their heated Torah dispute became “enemies,” would not budge until they once again became friends,” i.e., once the issue had been settled and the ruling had been rendered, true peace and harmony reigned.
Thus, in a dispute between the Sages as to whether something was permissible or prohibited — with some of the Sages ruling one way and some the other — in the end, after the final ruling, all the scholars would accept the ruling as it then stood, even if the ruling ran contrary to their initial opinion.
Peace Not Only in Deed But Also in Thought
Moreover, the peace and harmony that existed between Torah scholars expressed itself not only in the “world of action” (this meaning that although the minority view still maintained the correctness of their opinion, they accepted the ruling of the majority), rather, it took place in their thought process as well. Although their thinking was originally different from the majority of their colleagues, their very opinions changed once the ruling was issued, as they understood the correctness and accuracy of the majority.43
Let us take, for example, a court comprised of twenty-three judges who disagreed on a certain matter, twelve of whom found the matter to be permissible and eleven of whom found the matter to be prohibited.
Once the ruling was issued in favor of the majority, the law is not considered to have been merely decided on the basis of “twelve for and eleven against,” but as the unanimous opinion of the entire court. Even those who were previously opposed are now in total agreement — intellectually as well as practically. The minority opinion has reversed itself, as it were, and now fully agrees, intellectually as well, with the majority view.
Accordingly, the ruling becomes much more powerful.
An appeal of the ruling can now be held only before a larger and more distinguished court. In our situation, if the case is to be appealed, it can only be appealed before a court that numbers more than twenty-three judges.
Although the ruling was originally based on the opinion of only twelve judges (and not all twenty-three), once the ruling has been issued, it can now only be appealed before a court consisting of at least twenty-five judges. [A court must always consist of an odd number so that there will not be a tie.] The original opinion of the eleven opposing judges has changed once the ruling was issued and presently agrees with the twelve-judge majority. There now is a unanimous opinion of twenty-three judges. Any efforts to appeal this ruling must thus be before a larger and more distinguished court.
Thus the peace among Torah scholars exists not only on the practical level but on the intellectual level as well — the minority has changed its opinion to the opinion of the majority.
True Peace and Harmony
Requires True Humility
It is self-understood that the above is extremely perplexing. How is it possible that in a short span of time, eleven judges alter their understanding of the matter?
How can it possibly be that until the ruling was issued these eleven judges were of one mind, and now that the judgment was rendered contrary to their understanding and opinion, suddenly their understanding of the matter has entirely changed and they now understand it differently?
We learn from here the meaning of a true Torah scholar and the meaning of true peace.
A true Torah scholar is a humble individual, not someone who is haughty and conceited. When it comes to knowledge of the Torah, a true Torah scholar does not seek to lord over the community, that everyone should accept his opinions and views and that all should be aware of his great talents and wisdom. Rather, he is an individual who ponders and delves into Torah in order to arrive at Torah’s authentic meaning.
The true Torah scholar therefore has no interest in which individual will merit to reveal the true opinion of Torah, he or his colleague. His sole interest lies not in his own honor and glory but in revealing and properly understanding the opinion of Torah.
Once the ruling is issued and the Torah scholar realizes that the truth lies not in the way he understood the Torah matter but in the manner in which it was understood by the majority, he immediately accepts their ruling.
He does so not only with regard to actual and practical law, but intellectually as well, as he delves deeper and deeper into the matter at hand in order to understand the majority ruling. Ultimately, he completely agrees with the ruling of the majority, for his ambition is solely to arrive at the truth; not to enhance his personal honor.
The same is true regarding true peace and harmony:
A person who seeks to attain the attribute of truth realizes that G‑d desires that individuals implement their particular manner of service and attain the attribute of truth in their distinctly personal manner. Although that particular manner is not something that he may agree with or understand — and it may even run contrary to his own nature — he will ponder the matter again and again until he understands and even assists in accomplishing this opposing manner of service. He does so for he realizes that this path to truth is also altogether proper and constitutes G‑d’s will and desire as well.
Achieving a State of Total Peace
Between Husband and Wife
To apply this concept to shalom bayis: True peace and harmony between husband and wife must be accomplished in much more than the mere practical sense: that each one of them understands that the other must utilize his or her unique talents and traits in building their mutual home as an eternal edifice based on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos. For, when merely this “practical” degree of peace is accomplished, their shalom bayis will only be realized in the end result, in the completed construction of their “eternal edifice.”
Thus, much more than this is required — their shalom bayis should also affect the process through which each of them attains the fulfillment of their joint mission.
It is true that the path may be very different for each one of them, as it is quite possible for husband and wife to be completely different in their intellect, emotions, and temperament. As such, each one will contribute to the construction of their Jewish home in a different, and sometimes opposite, manner than their mate. Nevertheless, even in this regard, their lives are permeated with true peace and harmony.
This is possible when husband and wife each realize that G‑d created his or her mate with certain characteristics, and G‑d desires that these traits be utilized in erecting their mutual home. Thus, although the traits of one’s mate may be in sharp contrast to one’s own, husband and wife will still endeavor to assist their spouse, for they both know that this is G‑d’s true desire and that herein lies the path to true peace and harmony, authentic shalom bayis.
Stated slightly differently, shalom bayis refers not only to the result — that husband and wife lead a life of peace and harmony in their mutual home — but also the direction and path that each one takes in order to accomplish this goal.
This is so, notwithstanding the fact that the particular and individual path of the husband and wife is wholly dependent on their personal and exclusive traits, traits that are part of their personal psyches and minds and hearts. In all aspects of their individualized trek, husband and wife will assist each other in fulfilling their joint mission — each of them doing so in his or her own inimitable manner.
Assisting and Encouraging Each Other
The following is how they can be of assistance to each otherin their mutual journey.44
Pure and wholesome faith is the hallmark of the Jewish woman. It is also she who educates and trains the couple’s children to believe with simple faith and imbues them with fine character traits. The husband, on the other hand, brings to the home extensive Torah knowledge and imbues the couple’s children with the desire to study Torah diligently and assiduously.
True peace and harmony between husband and wife means that their individual qualities coalesce.
Not only does each of them know that their spouse has an important role to play in the education and training of their children, but he or she assists their spouse in accomplishing that particular course of action — the husband assists in increasing the children’s simple faith and fine character traits, and the wife encourages the children to fortify their Torah study.
