“Who Is Honored? He Who Honors”
The Gemara teaches us:1 concerning “He who loves his wife as much as he loves himself, honors her even more than he honors himself and trains his sons and daughters to follow the proper path,” of him the verse states:2 “You can be assured that peace dwells in your tent.”
The Sages also say:3 “A man should always be vigilant in honoring his wife, for blessing is found in a person’s home solely in the merit of his wife, as the verse states:4 ‘Avraham was dealt with kindly because of her,’ [i.e., because of his wife, Sarah].”
Our Sages further say:5 “A person should always eat less than he possesses, wear clothing according to that which he possesses, and honor his wife and children [by providing them with] even more than he possesses.”
Our Sages6 also exhort the wife to “greatly honor her husband.” They also state:7 “An upstanding woman among women is the wife who complies with her husband’s desires.”
The mishnah in Pirkei Avos declares:8 “Who is honored? He who honors others, as it is stated,9 ‘Indeed, those who honor Me I will honor, and those who despise Me shall be dishonored.’”
From all the above — a small collection of sayings among many similar ones — we derive an important principle: Husband and wife are to honor each other.
This principle is so frequently mentioned by our Sages because although spouses may love each other, they may not be particular about honoring each other. Our Sages therefore inform us that notwithstanding their love for each other, they must also respect and honor the other, as our Sages state: even “He who loves his wife as much as he loves himself” must be scrupulous in “honoring her even more than he honors himself.”
How does one express this honor? To truly honor another implies that you are ready to “bow” before the other, i.e., to bend your ego and will, and allow for the other’s needs and concerns to take precedence over your own.
Profound Degrees of Love and Affection
Love and affection involve one’s emotions and feelings. There are times10 when love and affection are only expressed verbally by speaking words of love and affection. However, when the feelings of love and affection are exceptional and compelling, arousing intense passion and ardor, mere words cannot express this profound degree of love as speech is too poor a vessel to contain it. In such an instance, one’s love is expressed through an embrace or a kiss.
These embraces and kisses are not merely an indication of love and affection but an expression thereof — the deep and heartfelt feelings that cannot express themselves through mere speech.
In Shir HaShirim11 — whose verses describe the manifest love of husband and wife as a parable of the love between G‑d and the Jewish people — embracing and kissing are also used as a means of expressing this love, with kissing expressed in the verse: “May He kiss me with the kisses of His mouth”;12 and embracing, “His left hand is under my head, and His right hand embraces me.”13
These two expressions of love, embraces and kisses both demonstrate and express a great degree of love and affection.
Two Forms of Love
People usually think that kissing expresses a greater degree of love than embracing, referring as much to the one who loves as the one who is loved.
On the part of the one who loves, a kiss is given with his mouth — a part of his face and the most important part of the person’s anatomy, where man’s loftiest powers reside. A kiss thus expresses an intimate facet of love that emanates from an internal aspect of the one who loves.14
On the part of the loved one, the beloved receives a kiss on the face, the part of the body that bares and reveals the person’s greatest beauty and finest qualities.
The kiss from the one who loves thus acknowledges and reveals his appreciation and admiration of the finer qualities possessed by his beloved, a recognition so profound and intense that it can only be demonstrated by means of a passionate kiss. In other words, a kiss testifies to an inner degree of love and affection between the lover and the beloved.
The circumstances, however, are quite different regarding an embrace:
On the part of the one who loves: an embrace is accomplished not by the lofty bodily organ of the head, but by the far less significant appendages of the hands. The expression of love that is demonstrated by an embrace is coarser and less refined than that expressed by a kiss of the mouth. In other words, love expressed by an embrace is not as intense and heartfelt as the love that is expressed by a kiss.
On the part of the loved one: an embrace is received by the beloved primarily on the back. Since it is on this part of the body, it does not indicate the lover’s awareness of the finer qualities and traits of the beloved.
Thus, an embrace that is unaccompanied by a kiss testifies to a less ardent and passionate degree of love and affection.
Briefly, then, the difference between a kiss and an embrace is the following: A kiss, which is offered from one face to another, derives from a recognition of the deep-seated qualities of the beloved. An embrace, which is accomplished by the hands and arms encircling the beloved’s back, comes from an external and lesser degree of love.
An Intrinsic Love, And Love of One’s Traits and Qualities
Despite the above, when it comes to the essential quality of the love, embracing possesses a quality that kissing lacks.
Since kissing results from an awareness of the qualities that the loved one possesses, it is essentially a love that derives from and is dependent upon a cause and antecedent. Generally speaking, one loves another because of the particular positive traits and qualities that their loved one possesses. Such a manner of love is termed a conditional love, where the lover is not so much loving the person himself but is in love with the particular qualities that his beloved possesses.
An embrace, however, is carried out by embracing the back of the person and not the front. Embracing a part of the anatomy that does not display qualities at all testifies that the embracer’s love does not depend on any particular qualities of his beloved but is a totally unconditional and unqualified degree of love. He loves the person for himself and not for any of his positive traits and qualities.
Moreover, embracing involves an action that makes it impossible for his beloved to depart from him. His love is so strong that he embraces and encircles the loved one with both hands, holding his beloved close and not permitting him to leave. Such an intense degree of love exists only in an embrace and not a kiss.
These two special qualities of an embrace — unconditional love and preventing his loved one from departing — are contingent upon each other. Only when one loves the person for himself and not for his positive traits and qualities, i.e., he loves him unconditionally, will his love be so fierce that he will prevent his beloved from departing.
Since this love is an outright love of the person himself, it will endure under all circumstances. Come what may, whatever his beloved may or may not do will not add or detract from his love, which remains steadfast. For since it does not depend in any way on the particular qualities and traits that the beloved possesses, there is nothing that is capable of diminishing this love.
This is the significance of an embrace: It embodies such an intense degree of love that it precludes the lover’s letting go of his beloved. Whatever the circumstances, the love remains intact, for the one who loves extends his love to the essence of his beloved and not his beloved’s qualities and traits, matters that are subject to change.
Love of the “Right” And Love of the “Left”
This also explains why Shir HaShirim describes the lover who embraces his beloved with the term “right” (“his right hand embraces me”), while a kissmay be termed “left.”15
A kiss is an expression of a bounded and restricted form of love because the love is in keeping with the extent and degree of the beloved’s fine traits and qualities. An embrace, however, is not measured and determined by the attributes and features of the beloved at all; moreover, the lover even loves the “back” of his beloved, although the back possesses no discernible qualities.
A kiss is therefore deemed of the left, as in the expression16 “the left rejects,” i.e., the lover measures and calculates: He loves one who is deserving of his love and rejects one whom he considers undeserving. An embrace, however, is of the “right,” the attribute of kindness, open and receptive to all, even to those who are likened to the “back” and not of the degree of the “face.” Thus, this love is given to all aspects of the beloved, even to those aspects that are not of the rank of “face.”
Thus, although a kiss is a loftier expression of love than an embrace, nevertheless, an embrace is an expression of the person’s unconditional love, the love of the “right.”
Two Dimensions of Unity Between Husband and Wife
Embracing and kissing generally denote two dimensions of the love and affection that exist between husband and wife — physical love and affection is denoted as “kissing,” while spiritual love and affection is alluded to as “embracing.”
We have explained earlier in the book that the Zohar states17 that husband and wife share a common soul. The connection between them is therefore twofold — both physical and spiritual.
These two dimensions of love between husband and wife (soul and body) are the two expressions of love mentioned above — embracing and kissing.
Physical love and affection: Love that results from recognizing the beloved’s positive traits, merits and qualities is in the category of a kiss, i.e., the love that results from the particular qualities (the “face”) of the loved one.
Spiritual love and affection: This is an essential and intrinsic degree of love that does not depend on the loved one’s sterling traits or excellent character at all, but is entirely a result of the essential bond between them, that they share one soul. This is expressed through “embracing,” where the love is not a result of their particular qualities, but for the individuals themselves, without gauging theiractions and accomplishments.
True shalom bayis results from the existence of both these aspects: a) the “face” aspect of the couple’s love and affection — reflecting on the positive qualities of one’s mate; and b) the essential and intrinsic love of the couple, including love of the “back,” loving those aspects of one’s mate where positive qualities are not readily apparent.
When one not only possesses the physical but the spiritual love and affection for his mate, he will never find it necessary to contemplate the other’s qualities in order to love his mate unconditionally, for after all, what is most important is that they are truly one soul. Just as a person will never find it necessary to provide a reason as to why he loves himself without conditions or reservations, so, too, will it be unnecessary to find reasons for loving the other half of his soul.
The Love That Exists Between G‑d and the Jewish People
Numerous Midrashim declare18 that the relationship between G‑d and the Jewish people is likened to the relationship between husband and wife.
Just as there are two forms and expressions of love between husband and wife, embracing and kissing, so, too, are there these two forms of love between G‑d and the Jewish people. As is stated in Shir HaShirim, “May He kiss me with the kisses of His mouth” and “His right hand embraces me.”19
“Kissing” implies G‑d’s love for us because of our qualities, our “face,” our study and observance of Torah and mitzvos, performing good deeds and acts of kindness, etc.
“Embracing” refers to G‑d’s love of a Jew’s essence regardless of his spiritual status. The very fact that he is Jewish (his “back”) — even before he studies Torah, performs mitzvos and performs acts of kindness — is sufficient reason for G‑d to love him unconditionally and unreservedly.
There is thus a special quality to G‑d’s “kiss” as well as a special quality to His “embrace.”
An Inner and Tangible Love — Because of His Special Qualities
What is the special quality of G‑d’s “kiss”?
The “kiss” originates from G‑d’s “face,” i.e., from His Inner Being, and is placed on the Jew’s “face,” which is to say that the Jew is cognizant of and manifestly feels G‑d’s love for him.
The special quality of G‑d’s “embrace” is that G‑d’s “hands” (i.e., a level that is not as internal as His “face”) embrace the Jew. Since this “embrace” extends to the Jew’s “back,” the intensity of this degree of love is not felt as it is in a kiss.
The reason for this is that thekiss results from the Jew’s special qualities, his observance of Torah and mitzvos and his performance of noble deeds. G‑d’s “kiss” is therefore able to permeate the Jew’s inner being. The Torah and mitzvos that the Jew has performed have so sanctified and refined him that he is capable of feeling G‑d’s love and affection — the love of G‑d’s “face.”
G‑d’s “embrace,” however, does not depend on a person’s good deeds. It exists from the day the Jew is born, before he is capable of observing Torah and mitzvos and refining himself. Clearly, in this fledgling spiritual state, the Jew is incapable of feeling the heat and passion of holiness. He is, however, able to receive the less passionate “embrace” from G‑d on his “back.”
Love That Encompasses the Jew,
And Extends to His Very Essence
What is the special quality of a Divine “embrace”?
Just as a human embrace consists of encircling one’s beloved with both hands — doing so with a love that is so powerful that the loved one cannot “escape” the clutches of his love — so, too, from G‑d’s perspective, an “embrace” denotes a degree of love that is so powerful that it is constant and not subject to change.
On his part, the Jew, too, realizes that a Divine “embrace” implies that G‑d loves him not for his particular qualities and achievements, but for his very self. For the embrace is not to his face, where one perceives the person’s positive traits and accomplishments, but rather to the back, encircling the entire person. It is a total love that encompasses every aspect and facet of his being.
This is not at all so regarding the love of a Divine “kiss,” which, from G‑d’s perspective, depends on the Jew’s merits and his performance of Torah and mitzvos. From the Jew’s perspective, this love only extends to the internal aspects of his being: his accomplishments and achievements.
The reason for this difference is that a Divine “embrace” extends to a Jew’s essence. Every Jew merits — by dint of the fact that he is a Jew — G‑d’s unconditional and unqualified love, which has nothing at all to do with his particular and individual endeavors and achievements.
An example of this kind of love is a parent’s love for his children. This is a love that has nothing at all to do with his children’s accomplishments. Even when the children transgress, this love still exists, inasmuch as it is an essential love that is not subject to change.
This is why, when referring to this form of love, the verse states, “His righthand embraces me”: it is a form of love that emanates from the “right,” from the level of chessed and kindness. The love of a kiss, however, is of the category of the “left side,” a restricted form of love.
The term “left” implies restriction, measurement and calculation. The love emanating from the “left side” implies love that is shown by G‑d to a Jew who constantly withstands the urgings of his evil inclination and consistently performs Torah and mitzvos, time and again acting in a proper and upright manner. However, love that emanates from the “right side” is an unqualified and unrestricted form of love, an essential love that is not at all dependent on the loved one’s actions.
A perfect state is achieved when there is both an “embrace” and a “kiss,” when G‑d’s intrinsic and essential love for us (the Divine “embrace”) is felt within us in a most internal manner, in the form of a “kiss.”
The Two Forms of Love In a Jew’s Daily Life
To bring some examples from everyday life:
A Jew’s life in this world is divided into two parts: spiritual matters such as Torah, prayer, and the performance of mitzvos; and material matters such as eating, drinking and sleeping.
While a person is engaged in spiritual matters such as Torah study and prayer, it is apparent that he is connected to G‑d. However, when he is occupied with his material affairs, it is possible for him to become separated from G‑d as his tendency is to perform physical matters without connecting them to spirituality.
One could think that G‑d’s love for a Jew is present only when a Jew occupies himself in lofty, spiritual matters such as Torah study, prayer and the performance of mitzvos. However, he could think that G‑d’s love for him is not present when he is engaged in actions that are merely physical and corporeal in nature.
The verse in Shir HaShirim therefore states, “His right hand embraces me.” G‑d embraces the Jew in an embrace that includes the Jew’s “back” as well. In other words, G‑d’s boundless love of the Jew is such that He does not permit the Jew to become detached from Him even while the Jew occupies himself with his personal physical affairs. So great is G‑d’s love for the Jew that whatever situation the Jew may find himself in, G‑d loves him unconditionally.
The Two Qualities of Love As Expressed in the Festivals
An example of the above can be found in the holidays that are celebrated during the festive month of Tishrei.
Chassidus explains that Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur, the Days of Awe, are of the level of the left (“His left hand is under my head”). This is the aspect of the Divine kiss. The festivals of Sukkos and Simchas Torah, on the other hand, are of the level of the right (“His right hand embraces me”), the aspect of the Divine embrace.
During Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur and the days in between, a Jew draws close to G‑d and his spiritual sublimity and attainments are revealed — he increases his acts of prayer and charity, engages in repentance, sounds the shofar, fasts on Yom Kippur, etc.
During this time, when the inner aspect (the “face”) of the Jew is revealed, G‑d reciprocates and “kisses” him on his face.
By contrast, the festival of Sukkos consists of fulfilling one’s personal physical needs — eating and drinking and the like — in the sukkah. Thus the verse commands,20 “You shall dwell in the sukkah for seven days.” Comment our Sages:21 “You shall dwell in the sukkah in the same manner as you normally dwell in your home; i.e., during these seven days, the sukkah becomes his permanent residence and his home becomes his temporary dwelling, eating, drinking, strolling and studying in the sukkah.”
Here we see something truly wondrous. The same mundane activities when performed in one’s home during the rest of the year are not considered to be a mitzvah at all; during Sukkos, however, when these selfsame activities are performed in the sukkah, they are transformed into a most worthy mitzvah.
Sukkos thus expresses G‑d’s closeness to us not only concerning those physical matters that are of the “face,” but also those that are of the “back.” G‑d’s love for us takes the form of an embrace in which we are totally encircled by His love (much as the sukkah totally envelops the person) extending to the mundane condition and reality of the Jew as well. On Sukkos, too, our occupation in mundane matters in the sukkah is revealed to be a mitzvah and a vehicle for drawing down G‑d’s unconditional love.
Nevertheless, there is also a special quality to the aspect of G‑d’s love for us that is revealed during the Days of Awe, for then G‑d draws close to the inner aspect of the Jew, his Divine service of prayer, repentance and Torah study. Consequently, the Jew is capable of internalizing this aspect of G‑d’s closeness to him.
The Tremendous Degree Of Love a Jew Harbors for G‑d
The two forms of love, kissing and embracing, are also found in a Jew’s love for G‑d.
This is expressed in our bond and relationship with a Sefer Torah, the sacred Torah scroll. In addition to reciting the Torah blessings and verbally praising and singing about the Torah, we literally embrace and kiss the (mantle of the) Sefer Torah scroll as well.22
Kissing: It is the Jewish custom that when the Sefer Torah is taken out of the Aron Kodesh, the Holy Ark, the congregation kisses it.
Embracing: During Hakkafos on Simchas Torah, we embrace the Sefer Torah as it is covered by its mantle and we dance and parade with it. Moreover, it is also a custom among many that when the Sefer Torah is taken out of the Holy Ark, it is not only kissed but embraced with both hands.23
Embracing and kissing the Sefer Torah also possess the above-mentioned special qualities:
Kissing: This expresses the love that Torah students possess for the Torah. Drawing closer to the inherent sanctity of G‑d’s Torah and to G‑d, the Giver of the Torah, leads to love of the sacred Torah.24
Embracing: This refers to the innate and intrinsic love that every Jew possesses for the Torah. Even the Jew who never studied Torah possesses an unconditional love for the holy Torah.
Here, too, there is a unique quality to the aspect of “embracing Torah” — the innate and intrinsic love that every Jew possesses for the Torah. There is also a unique quality to the aspect of “kissing the Torah” — love of Torah that derives from Torah study.
Torah is G‑d’s Divine wisdom, as we say in the blessing thanking G‑d for the Torah, “He has given us HisTorah.” Understandably, as much as a Jew will delve into the Torah, he will never succeed in reaching the essence of Torah; Torah as comprehended by the Giver of Torah. Thus, love of Torah that derives from one’s Torah study — the “kiss” of Torah — will by necessity be limited to the person’s degree of understanding, and the individual will never attain the level of Torah’s essence.
It is only the innate and intrinsic love that every Jew possesses for the Torah — the “embrace” of Torah — that enables the Jew to connect to the Torah’s very essence. Thus Chassidus explains that by dancing with the Sefer Torah on Simchas Torah, a Jew merits to cleave to the “essence” of Torah, something that is not readily attainable through Torah study.25
However, the “embrace” of Torah does not permeate the individual. Similar to an embrace, it merely envelops him externally while the wisdom of Torah does not pervade his being.
The perfect state of unity with Torah is accomplished only when both aspects are fused: He embraces and unites with the very highest level, the very essence of Torah. Moreover, he does so in the manner of a “kiss,” whereby the Torah is internalized within him by means of his understanding and comprehending the Torah. The fusion of these two aspects creates an internal degree of connection with the very essence of Torah.
