The Choice — “Lift Up Your Eyes”
At the conclusion of tractate Taanis,1 the Gemara relates how a groom would choose his bride: “Young man, lift up your eyes and see.... Place emphasis on beauty.... Place emphasis on family.... Obtain that which you seek to acquire for the sake of Heaven.”
In choosing these terms, our Sages inform and instruct us how we are to choose a mate:2 The first step is, “lift up your eyes,” in keeping with the verse, “Lift your eyes heavenwards.”3
That is to say, we are to look upward: to gaze at the spiritual heights of existence. We must be aware that the main component of a match is the unification of the soul. And although it is necessary to have physical kinship and harmony, the basis and foundation of establishing a Jewish home is the spiritual dimension — the one soul shared by husband and wife.
Only then should one “Place emphasis on beauty”; i.e., choose one’s mate by considering whether your mind and heart are physically drawn to the other party. Included in the latter is not only physical attraction, but also whether one is drawn to the essence of the person, his or her intellect, character traits, qualities, genuineness, etc.4
In keeping with the above, our Sages go on to say that one should consider the prospective mate’s “family,” the parents as well as his or her teachers, paying careful attention to that person’s upbringing, the family character and temperament, and so on.
In summing up, our Sages remind us again: “Obtain that which you seek to acquire for the sake of Heaven” — do not look into physical matters and attributes alone, but also, and most importantly, look at and examine spiritual matters “for the sake of Heaven” — i.e., how this will have a bearing on the unity of the soul.
Choosing Through Divine Providence
The above, however, presents the one seeking his or her mate with a seemingly insurmountable obstacle:
The task of finding a mate who is compatible not only physically, but also spiritually and soulfully — a mate who possesses the second half of one’s soul — will inevitably result in confusion and consternation:
How can one possibly find his or her proper match? How can a human being, whose knowledge extends only to physical matters, possibly be able to discern such a spiritual matter; i.e., which particular individual possesses the second half of his or her soul?
Here we must employ our fundamental faith in G‑d: [acknowledging] that He conducts the entire world every moment and every instant, guiding all our actions with individual Divine Providence.
Thus, all individuals should have complete faith and trust that G‑d will guide and lead them in the good and proper path, so that they will find the second half of their soul — their true mate.
However, G‑d desires that matters be accomplished by natural means as well. Therefore the couple’s choice of each other is also accomplished by natural means — it is they who decide to marry. But in point of fact, this natural choice also lies in G‑d’s hands; it is He who causes them to end up choosing each other so that they be able to unite and marry their two halves of their one soul.
To state this slightly differently: A person’s choice must be guided by his or her heart and intellect, while G‑d sees to it that the person is drawn precisely to that individual who is truly part and parcel of his or her spiritual essence, the second half of his or her soul.