Two Stages in Matrimony:
Eirusin and Nisuin — Betrothal and Marriage
A Jewish marriage,1 the union of husband and wife, is comprised of two stages. The first stage is betrothal, or eirusin, from the root issur,2 or prohibited, whereby the woman becomes the man’s wife and is prohibited to all other men. However, at this stage, the couple has yet to begin their mutual lives, neither with regard to providing sustenance and nourishment, nor with engaging in intimate relations. As the Rambam writes in his Yad HaChazakah:3 “The woman becomes betrothed although she has yet to have marital relations nor has she entered her husband’s home. She is nevertheless considered his wife ….”
The second and final stage is marriage, or nisuin, when husband and wife begin living their lives under one roof. At this time, they begin living a full-fledged family life with all its ramifications.
In Talmudic times, many months would pass between the stages of eirusin and nisuin, as the Mishnah relates.4 With the passage of time, beginning in the times of the Rishonim, this custom changed, and eirusin was immediately followed by nisuin. Nowadays, these two stages still clearly exist but they both take place at a wedding where eirusin is immediately followed by nisuin.
The Purpose of Eirusin
We must understand more thoroughly what exactly is eirusin and what purpose it serves in the matrimonial process.5
After all, the entire purpose of matrimony is to enable husband and wife to live together, as the verse states:6 “He shall cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh,” [initiating] the shared life of husband and wife. Why, then, is eirusin — a matrimonial phase where they are prohibited to live together — necessary at all?7
The question is further intensified since in the times of our holy Patriarchs, Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov, and until the time of the giving of the Torah, eirusin was not practiced at all. In the words of the Rambam:8 “Prior to Matan Torah, when a man would meet a woman in the marketplace, if they both desired ... he would bring her into his home ... and she would become his wife” — i.e., the state of marriage would immediately ensue without having to be preceded by eirusin. Why did this change at Matan Torah with the commandment that eirusin must precede nisuin?
The Bond During Eirusin
Is Even Stronger Than During Nisuin!
We find something astonishing regarding the annulment of vows which teaches us that the bond between the betrothed couple is even stronger than it is after they are married.
A husband can annul his wife’s vows, as the verses state:9 “If a woman makes a vow to G‑d ... and the man to whom she is married vetoes her vow on the day that he hears about it ... her vows do not stand.”
The husband’s annulments apply only to the wife’s vows made after their marriage, not to those she made before marriage. Thus the Gemara states:10 “A husband may not annul vows made earlier, [i.e., before their marriage,]” since at that time there was no connection between them.
However, an arus, a betrothed man, may even annul those vows that his betrothed made prior to their betrothal. As our Sages state: “An arus may annul vows made earlier, [i.e., before their betrothal.]”
How is it possible that an arus may even annul those vows that his betrothed made prior to their betrothal, while a husband may not annul the vows made by his wife before their marriage? Is it possible that the connection between the arus and his betrothed is even stronger than the connection between husband and wife?!11
The Rambam’s Emphasis on Eirusin
We must also understand why the Rambam places particular emphasis on eirusin and de-emphasizes nisuin:
At the beginning of Hilchos Ishus,12 the Rambam writes about the primary and central concepts of marriage. Regarding them, he states: “Keep these criteriaconstantly in front of you...” i.e., it is important to be aware and remember these principles. However, among these important principles, nisuin is not mentioned at all.
Moreover, in the first nine chapters of Hilchos Ishus,the Rambam only explains eirusin while completely ignoring nisuin.
This is truly inexplicable:
The mitzvah in the Torah is to “marry a wife,” nisuin. So, too, the ultimate intent of eirusin is the nisuin that ensues, a husband and wife living together. Why, then, doesn’t the Rambam emphasize nisuin?
Eirusin — A Soul Connection
We will understand this properly, based on the foundation presented at the beginning of this book:13
Husband and wife possess one soul. Before the wedding, this soul was cleaved in two, with half of the soul placed in the future husband and the other half, in the future wife. Marriage unites and brings the two cloven halves of this soul together. Thus matrimony (eirusin and nisuin) brings about not only a connection between two bodies, but also a connection of souls.
We will accordingly understand how a betrothed woman, a woman who is not yet living with her husband, is considered the man’s wife and is prohibited to all other men:
Were married life to consist only of a shared physical life, then at the time of eirusin, when they do not share such a life — when “she has yet to enter her husband’s home” — the woman could very well not be considered the man’s wife and prohibited to all other men.
Since, however, the essence of marriage is the unification of the mutual soul shared by husband and wife, it is therefore completely understandable that this does not depend at all on their cohabitation. They are deemed a couple from the time of eirusin, since the union of their souls has already taken place.
In other words, married life consists of a bond and connection between husband and wife on both a physical and spiritual plane. Once their spiritual soul bond has been accomplished, they are considered utterly wed even though the physical bond and connection accomplished through nisuin is still lacking.
A Quality in Eirusin That Nisuin Lacks
Further reflection on the above leads us to the inescapable conclusion that eirusin possesses a quality that is lacking even in nisuin.
The spiritual component of the relationship between husband and wife is experienced during the time of eirusin to an even greater extent than during the time of nisuin. Since nisuin also involves a physical relationship between husband and wife, this tends to dim the spiritual side of their relationship as one can easily be misled into thinking that their connection is merely physical.
The Torah therefore commanded that eirusin precede nisuin, a time when their relationship is entirely spiritual, thereby revealing to the couple the essential aspect of their relationship — two halves of one soul becoming entirely united.
We will understand accordingly why, at the beginning of Hilchos Ishus, the Rambam virtually ignores nisuin and emphasizes eirusin: The Rambam is seeking to enlighten us about the true nature of the union of husband and wife in Judaism: that it lies in the spiritual aspect of the soul’s unification. This finds particular emphasis during the period of eirusin.
The Unique Aspect of a Jewish Marriage
Is Reflected in Eirusin
We will therefore understand that the unique aspect of the bond between a Jewish husband and wife — in comparison to the marriages of other nations — is reflected in eirusin and not in nisuin.
Nisuin, the physical connection between husband and wife — living their physical lives together — exists among other nations and peoples as well. This was also the case with the Jewish people prior to Matan Torah.
Regarding matrimony, the Torah introduced the novel aspect of eirusin, where no physical connection yet exists between husband and wife, and nonetheless they become a wedded couple. This is because a Jewish marriage possesses not only a physical layer, but a spiritual layer as well: the connection of their soul.
The concept of eirusin, however, does not exist with other nations for there is no soul connection between husband and wife. Their connection is merely physical.
In light of the above, we will understand something seemingly perplexing in the Rambam:
The Rambam’s Yad HaChazakah is not a history book, but a book of laws and customs. Why does the Rambam introduce the laws of Ishus with an historical overview of the marriage customs prior to Matan Torah: “Prior to Matan Torah, when a man would meet a woman in the market, if they both desired ... he would bring her into his home ... and she would become his wife.” Of what current halachic import is this piece of ancient history?14
It is to teach us that one of the dimensions of marriage that existed prior to Matan Torah exists presently as well: the physical dimension of marriage. However, Matan Torah augmented this limited form of marriage by adding an entirely novel and additional layer to the union of husband and wife — the spiritual soul dimension and stratum of marriage.15
Only a Betrothed Man Can Annul
Prior Vows of His Betrothed
According to the above, we will understand why an arus may even annul those vows made by his betrothed prior to their betrothal, while a husband may not annul the vows made by his wife before their marriage (nisuin).
The ability of the husband to annul his wife’s vows derives from their mutual closeness and intimacy; since they have become one entity — “one flesh” — i.e., part of each other, the wife cannot take upon herself vows or prohibitions as long as the “whole entity” — husband and wife — did not mutually agree to this undertaking.
A husband is therefore unable to annul the vows made by his wife before they were married, for at that time they had yet to become “one,” a single entity.
How is it possible then for the arus to annul the vows of his betrothed even though they were made while she was still single?
As explained earlier, the essential connection between husband and wife exists prior to eirusin and nisuin as well, since they have always been intrinsically one soul. (It is merely that before the wedding, the one soul was divided and vested into two separate people; at the time of marriage the two halves become whole again.)
Thus even the vows undertaken while the woman was still single can be annulled, for even then there existed an intrinsic connection — an internal connection of the soul —between the future husband and wife.
This being so, why may only an arus annul vows that his betrothed made prior to their betrothal, while after nisuin, a husband may not annul the vows made by his wife during that time period? This results from the superior quality of eirusin over nisuin:
Since eirusin emphasizes the spiritual soul connection of the couple — [for their physical connection does not yet exist, and they will therefore be more cognizant of their spiritual connection] — the arus is able to annul the vows undertaken by her while she was single because of the profound spiritual bond that existed between them while they were still single.
Since this spiritual connection is not underscored at the time of nisuin, however, and only their physical connection is palpably felt, the husband is not granted the right to annul the vows made by his wife while she was still single — for the ability to annul such vows is solely the result of the innate spiritual connection between the two.
“Her Father and Her Husband”
[We may say that this is the inner meaning of the statements of our Sages16 that “the arus annuls his betrothed’s vows together with her father” — “The vows of a betrothed woman are annulled by her father and her husband.”
“Father” is an allusion to G‑d, our Heavenly Father, and to spirituality in general. In our context, the term “father” is referring to the soul. Since the soul connection is most evident in the state of eirusin, the arus is therefore able to annul her vows. In other words, since the arus is connected to the level of Father, G‑d,spirituality and the soul — he is therefore permitted to annul the vows made by his betrothed while she was still single.]17
Why Precedence Is Given to the Spiritual Relationship
We must, however, still understand why our Sages divided the formation of the bond between husband and wife into two distinct actions and at two separate times: the spiritual connection at the time of eirusin and the physical connection taking place twelve months later (as was the custom in times past).
It is particularly bafflingwhy the physical aspect of marriage is preceded by the spiritual one:
In our world, the physical dimension holds much more sway than the spiritual. This being so, the beginning of marriage should have commenced with nisuin, the physical connection between husband and wife, when there would be a palpable and emotional bond between them. Only afterwards would this be supplemented with their soul connection, the more ethereal dimension of their relationship.
We must also understand why so much time was allowed to pass between these two stages — the physical stage taking place a full twelve months after the initial spiritual stage of their relationship.
So That the Physical Should Not Conceal the Spiritual
In truth, it is precisely the fact that we live in a physical world — with the physical and material dimension being so much closer to us than the spiritual — that we make a point of emphasizing the spiritual.
Were we to begin with the physical bond and relationship between husband and wife, this connection would completely conceal the spiritual soul connection.
Our Sages instituted that the beginning of the relationship — the spiritual side — be absent of any physical connection. Only after the couple recognizes and lives with this spiritual connection between them do they go on to the second step: nisuin.
We can then be assured that husband and wife will forever live together in the “two-dimensional” world of the dual union of their body and soul, in which the inner and spiritual aspect of their relationship will not be forgotten in the face of their physical relationship.
In the terminology of our Sages, eirusin is termed “kiddushin,” from the Hebrew root kadosh, sacred. Kadosh means “separate and apart”18 — separated from the physical plane. In other words, at the time of eirusin, there is only a spiritual connection and not a physical one. Later, when husband and wife will also be physically connected, they will have already gotten used to living their lives together on a spiritual level as well.
This is why [the Sages instituted that] we wait a complete year before establishing the physical connection. As such, the couple has an appropriate amount of time — an entire annual cycle — in which to share a relationship on an entirely spiritual plane. Afterwards, the physical aspect of their relationship will not cause them to forget the spiritual dimension of their relationship.
Eirusin — The Prohibition to Live With Anyone Else
A more basic and straightforward aspect of eirusin is that of the betrothed being “separate and apart” from other men.
The Gemara explains19 that the term eirusin derives from the word issur, or prohibition, stating that “[The act of betrothal] prohibits her to everyone else as if she is hekdesh (a consecrated and holy object).” Just as no one else may derive benefit from an item that has been consecrated for use in the Beis HaMikdash,so, too, when a woman is consecrated to her husband, she is off limits — “separate and apart” — to any other man.
For in order to forge a mighty bond between husband and wife, it is necessary to perform an action that is composed of two distinct steps:
The first step consists of negating any involvement with all other men; the woman knows she may not marry anyone other than her husband. This is followed by the second step, the positive action of nisuin — the complete and absolute unification and attachment of husband and wife.
What is the reason for these two stages? In order for the bond with her husband to be absolute and eternal, the woman must first detach herself from all other men. She then becomes a proper “vessel” to be able to cleave and unite with her husband.
How, in fact, does one derive the strength to be separate and apart from all others?
This can be understood by delving more deeply into the expression of our Sages that “[The act of betrothal] prohibits her to all other men as with hekdesh.” When a person reveals the consecrated and sacred dimension of his holy soul, he has the strength to be “separate and apart” from all others.
In other words, eirusin reveals the spiritual and soul connection that exists between the couple. This enables them to distance themselves from all others. Then comes the stage of nisuin when their unity is complete; a total unity of body and spirit.
This, then, is the inner dimension of eirusin as explained in Chassidus:
In order for the marriage to be successful so that the physical component of the marriage can flourish — owing to the complete negation of involvement with other men and the absolute unity of husband and wife — it is necessary to first experience the phase of an exclusive spiritual connection. This involves a lengthy phase of twelve months in which the betrothed couple contemplates spiritual and soul mattersand comes to realize their intrinsic soul connection.
Thereafter, in their physical relationship as well, they will remember their true and inner soul connection. Their lives will then be truly tranquil and joyful, and they will live their whole lives together in authentic “love, harmony, peace and camaraderie.”
[All the above notwithstanding, eirusin and nisuin immediately follow each other in present times. The reason for this will soon be explained.]
Eirusin, Nisuin and Their Special Qualities
To summarize the essential nature of eirusin, nisuin, and their particular qualities:
Eirusin is a mighty and incomparable bond, a bond of the supernal spiritual level of the soul. However, since this bond is strictly spiritual, it is intangible and fails to be physically sensed and perceived by the couple.
Nisuin adds a concrete and perceptible dimension, the dimension of the body and the physical. However, this connection is not as powerful and commanding as the soul connection.
Thus, each stage in matrimony possesses a quality that the other lacks. Absolute unity and perception is achieved when both phases are realized: first eirusin and then nisuin.
Between husband and wife, there then exists the mighty and incomparable bond of the soul as well as the tangible and perceptible bond of the physical.