Secondary Issues Will Resolve Themselves When the Foundations of Marriage Are Strong and Luminous

In reply to your letter of the 12th of Iyar in which you write about the problems that you are facing regarding your shidduch — in a good and auspicious hour — with the young man ....

Surely, with the passage of time, a solution will be found to these problems as well; after all, they are of minor import in comparison to that which is of major importance — building a house in Israel on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos.

In present times, when so many mistake light for darkness and darkness for light, it is necessary that these foundations [of Torah and mitzvos] as well be illumined and permeated with the luminary of Torah, the inner aspect of Torah, which nowadays has been revealed in Toras HaChassidus and all its aspects.

All this minimizes the chances of the above confusion and mistakes [of thinking of darkness as light, etc.] Since you write that lately you have become cognizant of Chabad concepts and notions, it is my hope that this cognition will come to play in your daily life, in line with that discussed above.

This, as well, will serve to simplify the resolution of those problems about which you write.

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XIII, p. 89)

When the Person Was Misled

This is in response to your letter of the 12th of Sivan, in which you write that you concluded a shidduch with a young lady and became engaged to her. However, you later found out that you were misled with regard to her age and that according to your present information she is a number of years older than you. You ask me how you are to conduct yourself.

In matters such as these — matters that have a bearing on the honor of a son or daughter in Israel, and especially with regard to a shidduch — much depends on the custom of the country and the place, and a Jewish custom is Torah.1

Therefore, you should set this matter forth before the rabbis of your country — rabbis who regularly adjudicate matters of Jewish law. You should detail the particulars with all your reasons, and they will instruct you how to conduct yourself in this matter.

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XI, p. 183)

When There Are Rumors Concerning the Health
Of One of the Family Members

In reply to your letter in which you write about the shidduch you concluded in the past few weeks and that a date has already been set for the wedding, in a good and auspicious hour.

Rumors, however, have now reached you concerning the [mental] health of one of the family members of your kallah [and you desire to know how to proceed].

You should continue with the preparations for the wedding that is set for the forthcoming month of Kislev. May it take place at its appointed time and may it be a house in Israel, an eternal edifice, founded on the pillars of Torah and mitzvos.

Understandably, the preparations to the wedding primarily consist of spiritual preparations, by adding to your study of our sacred Torah, the Torah of Life, studying it assiduously and diligently, as well as increasing the quality of your performance of mitzvos.

You should put totally out of your mind any and all thoughts regarding these rumors. The Creator and Conductor of the world will direct you to that which is good for you both materially and spiritually, as a result of your being diligent in binding and uniting yourself with Him [through your Torah study].

For as stated in the holy Zohar:2 “Three things are bound one to another — Israel is bound to the Torah, and the Torah is bound to G‑d.”

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XII, p. 80)

If the Engagement Should — G‑d Forbid — Fall Apart

Possibility of a Kepeida

You write that you are concerned that there is a kepeida (“severities”) on you from Rabbi ... as his daughter was suggested for your son.

It is difficult for me to address this issue as I lack the details — how far the matter progressed. If your son never met with her and you did not obligate (farshprochen) yourself in any way, you have nothing to be concerned about.

If your son, however, did make some promise (farshprochen) to her, then she is to be asked for forgiveness. Surely you will provide me with additional details.

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VI, p. 61)

Asking Their Forgiveness

.. You should notify me clearly whether your marriage did not besmirch the honor of a Jewish son or daughter, which is to say that neither you nor your wife had made any previous pledges to someone else.

[Notify me as well] whether the two of you are observing the dictates and laws of family purity, in keeping with the directives of our sacred Torah, the Torah of Life.

If, indeed, damage was done to the honor of a Jewish son or daughter, then forgiveness is to be asked of them, or [if this cannot be asked of them personally, then it should be sought] before a minyan of Jews.

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XII, p. 340)

Seeking Forgiveness Before a Minyan
Without Placing Blame on Any Party

To erase the [untoward] vestige of the past, you should ask before ten Jews forgiveness from the individual with whom you broke the shidduch. You should do so without revealing to them whether the fault was entirely yours or not.

You should also immediately have your tefillin checked,as well as your tallis gadol and tallis katan, as well as the mezuzos in your house. Also have the mezuzos in the rooms or office of your factory checked, if these rooms are sometimes used for eating.

See to it that you sleep in a tallis katan, and every weekday before your morning prayer and before Minchah place a few small coins in a tzedakah pushkeh. Do so until the coming Rosh HaShanah, as well as reciting, following Shacharis,the appropriate section of Tehillim as divided for the days of the month.

Understandably, in addition to the above, you should have established times for Torah study, including the study of Chassidus.

You may then rest assured and have full faith and trust in the Creator of the world and its Conductor, that He will watch over you with individual Divine Providence and protect you in all details of your life, so that there is nothing for you to be concerned about.

May G‑d will it that I receive from you glad tidings in the very near future with regard to all the above.

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XIII, p. 8)