Jewish Manner of Comportment Regarding
Meeting Before the Wedding

With regard to the advisability of traveling to Eretz Yisrael for Chanukah [in order to visit your chassan]:

I fully understand your feelings and your desire to make the trip, but on the other hand, I do not feel that this is the proper thing for you to do.

If you would but give the matter some thought, you too will admit that this trip would not be in keeping with the path of Judaism, and even more so, would not be in keeping with the path of Chassidus.

For even when chassan and kallah are in one city, or in two nearby cities, it is the Jewish manner of comportment to avoid meeting each other before the wedding.

How much more so [is this true] with regard to taking a trip to Eretz Yisrael with the public knowledge involved [in taking such a trip], not to mention the expenditure of money, energy, time and the like. And all this, in order to do something that from the very beginning is not at all advisable.

I am confident that you will not feel badly about this, if only you realize that [by not taking this trip,] you and your chosen life-partner are acting with steadfast resolve to mutually establish a truly Jewish home, an everlasting edifice, permeated with true Chassidic joy and harmony for numerous decades.

(Teshuvos U’Biurim, p. 435)

How Often Should Chassan and Kallah
See and Speak to Each Other After the Engagement

Rabbi Leibel Groner relates that when he became a chassan the Rebbe told him the following, and asked him to publicize it:

See each other once a week and talk once a week. Less than that would be better.

Not to Meet Too Often

The Rebbe once told an individual during a private Yechidus:

In heaven they are ashamed (in himmel shemt men zich) that chassan and kallah meet all too often.

(As related in a wedding Teshurah)

Taking Pictures Together

Rabbi Leibel Groner relates that the Rebbe also asked him to publicize his displeasure with the following:

It recently has become endemic that chassan and kallah come together after their engagement party for pictures. Moreover, they even take photographs together in a photo studio.

The Rebbe once told an individual during a private Yechidus:

In heaven they are ashamed of the fact ... that chassan and kallah are photographed together before their wedding.

(Wedding Teshurah quoted above)

Flying Together

For reasons of tznius, the Rebbe was generally opposed to chassan and kallah flying together, and vehemently opposed to their flying together on lengthy flights.1

When Sometimes Satisfied With Decision And Sometimes Not

In reply to your letter of Friday, in which you write about one of your relatives [who has recently become engaged to be married,] and his fiancée is sometimes satisfied and content when speaking to him, but sometimes is not:

Surely this emanates from the need for the young man to conduct himself with a greater degree of scrupulousness regarding matters of tznius and sanctity.

It would also be appropriate for him to check his tefillin and to contribute every weekday a few francs to tzedakah before he begins his Shacharis prayers.

Moreover, each day — Shabbos included — he should recite at least one chapter of Tehillim following his prayers.

May G‑d grant him success, that he be able to convey glad tidings with regard to all the above.

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XIV, p. 21)

Setting an Earlier Date

May your wedding take place in a good and auspicious hour. The second thoughts and doubts that you write about have absolutely no basis in reality.

They merely come about since the wedding date has been set for many months hence, and from time to time one cannot withstand the test — and transgresses in matters of tznius and the like.

The situation can be remedied by withstanding the test and at the same time setting an earlier wedding date — may it be in a good and auspicious hour.

(From a handwritten response of the Rebbe)2

When There Is a Change of Feelings

I received a query in your name through ... concerning your daughter who has become engaged and is now distancing herself [from her chassan], saying that her feelings [about him] have yet to crystallize.

I surmise that the reason your daughter’s feelings have changed is that they conducted themselves in a manner that is impermissible for Jews to so conduct themselves prior to a wedding. This has brought about the opposite result: she is now distancing herself from him.

Would only mothers and parents in general interest themselves in the upbringing of their children, assuring that they receive a Torah true education when they are still young. They would then avoid much sorrow and trouble, both their own troubles and sorrows and especially their children’s.

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. IX, p. 210)

A Sudden Change in Attitude

In response to your letter of Rosh Chodesh Iyar in which you write about the sudden change in attitude toward you from [your future partner in life] ..., and you wonder what caused this.

All particular matters that transpire among Jews have a Torah reason and an inner spiritual reason as their root cause, i.e., [when something untoward happens,] one’s conduct was not in keeping with the dictates of our holy Torah.

Since this matter has practical consequences, it is necessary to clearly state the facts in order to know how to rectify the situation: your meetings were unfortunately contrary to Torah dictates, and unfortunately not always in a manner of tznius.

It is difficult to write these words, particularly when every person is to be judged favorably and given the benefit of the doubt.

However, as stated above, since such an important matter hangs in the balance, it is not at all useful not to state the facts. This becomes even more obvious when one observes the results of such behavior: distancing came about as a result of prohibited closeness.

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XV, p. 113)

A Time to Be Close — A Time Not to Be Close

To an individual who was having problems in his marriage, the Rebbe wrote:

“Closeness” at a time when one should be at a distance [i.e., prior to one’s marriage,] may well lead to “distance” at a time when one should be close, [i.e., after the marriage].

(From a wedding Teshurah)