The next perspective we need before embarking on the main section of this book, are two perspectives involved in getting married. More obvious than the YaakovYisroel state, there are two perspectives available to a bride and groom, and later on to a husband and wife. Both perspectives exist and are triggered by the same event — the plan to be married.

The first is the wedding, the second the life together, the marriage. Both horizons require focus, because without focus, neither will take place.

Consider the focus required to arrange the wedding. Everybody that has been through a wedding knows that there are the tortures of finding a suitable hall, band, Rabbi to officiate, dresses, suits, menu, seating arrangements, and all the fallout and damage control necessitated by such lists. It is critical of course that each of the aunties not sit at a table that she perceives as too far from the band, too close to the band, too close to the door, too far from the door. They must not be subject to draft, lack of air or exposure to those they have not spoken to for eight years. There is no need to dwell further on this because everybody is acutely aware of how important these things are, and how overwhelming arrangements can become.

There is a second focus, and that is on the marriage. The wedding must take place, but if the Chosson and Kallah (Groom and Bride) confine their focus on the wedding and surrounding arrangements then sadly, the whole importance of getting married will be of course missed. The real perspectives are long term perspectives: planning a life together, arranging a partnership which reflects (apart from the obvious issue of attraction) common backgrounds and goals. There should be present a common desire for growth, consensus as to the manner in which children will be educated and developed as worthwhile Jews. There needs to be a common attitude as to how two young people are going to form up a life together subject to the vicissitudes of challenges that are to be put before them.

The differences between the two focuses are obvious. One is short term and valuable only for the moment. The other is long term, totally important. Both focuses, as said above are necessary, but there is no issue as to relative value. As one looks around the circus of the movie stars and other public representatives of the world of trivia, one can see the carnage wrought by short term perspectives focused only on immediate short term benefits.

A clever Chosson will know that his beautiful new wife may have a waist which can thicken, a clever Kallah suspects her handsome husband’s fine head of hair will at sometime become at best, sparse. He may even fatten and settle into suits of more generous proportions.

If one’s perspective is fixated on the wedding one is going to struggle with the marriage. If on the other hand, one’s perspective is fixed on the marriage, one remains relatively unperturbed by the short term obstacles of trivia.

Obviously an astute reader understands the wedding and marriage are terms of code referring to all small and wide horizons....